My Adoption Story: The Two Sides Of Adoption
Today, I want to share my adoption story.
My story begins when I was about eight years old. My entire world paused one morning at a welfare office. My mom, brother, and I were there to pick up food stamps. However, instead of getting what we needed for groceries, I ended up leaving questioning my entire life.It was an accident. The woman helping us was going through the questions she needed to ask my mom. Basic. They were basic questions to her. My mom was half paying attention as she was also trying to keep my brother and I entertained.What's your first name?Candace.How many kids do you have?Two.Do they have the same father?Nothing. My mother froze.The woman asked the question again, but my mother couldn't talk. This is when the woman realized something was happening.My mom answered quietly. Pained.No.I instantly looked up. I had been listening to the questions while I sat there, but hardly paying attention. I heard her answer. At first, I assumed she was lying. Maybe she had to say that so we were able to get food stamps.I started to ask her why she said that, but she put her hand on my shoulder and said later.It was the tone of my mom's voice and the pained look on her face that made the woman run past the rest of the questions. She realized she somehow just uncovered something meant to stay hidden for just a bit longer.I sat there for the rest of our appointment with a dozen questions running through my head. I didn't understand. I couldn't understand why she would need to lie for us. Why was she so sad? What was she going to say when we got to the car?We walked to the car and my mom walked as slow as possible. I now know she was trying to figure out how to possibly have the conversation she was about to have.I quickly sat in the front seat while my mom buckled in my brother into his car seat. When she was finished she sat in her seat, quiet.Mom, why did you say that?She looked me right in the eye and I knew I wasn't going to like the answer. She looked broken.To be honest, I don't remember what she said. I don't remember the words she used. The rest of that moment is a blur. All I remember was finding out I didn't know my biological father.My entire world stopped. We went straight to my grandma's house where my mom fell apart to her sisters and mom. She felt horrible. I sat on the chair crying. I didn't know what to say or what to do.I just hurt. Everything hurt.My grandma came up to me and hugged me. She tried to explain that my mom didn't tell me because she wanted to protect me.At first, I was angry with her. I didn't understand why she would lie to me. Looking back on that moment, I do understand. As a mom you want to do everything in your power to protect your child from the world, that includes the terrible truths sometimes.
Fast-forward two years.
I had dealt with my new reality the best I could. I went through every emotion possible. Anger. Sadness. Confusion.I just didn't understand. I didn't understand why I had to go through this, but my friends around me didn't. They had both parents and I didn't. I was the one sitting around during Father's Day trying to figure out what to do or if I could just stay home from school.Shortly after I turned ten years old, my mom met Tim. They fell for each other right away. He moved to Washington for her and they got married. I told myself I would hate him because I didn't need anyone. Then I met him. He was perfect. He went out of his way to make sure he and I had a relationship. He even wrote me emails at first! I loved that he was making such a big effort to be my friend.The next monumental moment in my life was the day they got married. I was the flower girl. I remember walking down the aisle thanking God for bringing me the father I had cried for so many nights.Our life was beautiful. I had two parents. I started calling him dad right away. I couldn't wait. It felt right. He fit so perfectly into that spot in my life. He never pushed his way in, he let me make the decision on what I wanted him to be in my life.He became my father.I'll never forget the day I walked into his room and asked if he would adopt me. I now know he was waiting and praying for that day to come. I could hardly get the sentence out of my mouth before he started crying.Things were perfect. I felt completely loved by my parents and very blessed in my life.
This is why I was confused why I kept thinking about my biological dad.
I never stopped thinking about him. I had asked my mom questions about him growing up. She answered what she could, but I knew it was a hard conversation.I was careful to talk about him often because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I didn't want my dad to think he wasn't enough for me.After my husband and I got together he helped me to realize I was still curious because regardless of how good my life was, my biological father was a part of me. I started looking for him online. I had secretly done it as a kid, but never found anything.I decided to try one last time while with my aunt in Washington. I searched his name and we looked together. Then it happened. I found him on Facebook.I called my mom and she confirmed it.I don't know how long I sat on the couch trying to get up the courage to message him. I just wanted to know. I wanted to know that he wanted nothing to do with me and let myself move on. However, life rarely happens the way you expect it to.I pressed send. Not long later, I got a response. I was terrified to read it. I didn't know if I could take his harsh words.Then I opened the message. Instead of a man trying to push me away, I found myself reading the words of a man beyond happy to have found his daughter.It turns out he had been looking for me. He had a hard life as a kid and wasn't ready to be responsible for another human being at the time. While he hates that he missed out on my life, he realizes that he wasn't ready to be a father then.It's been a few years since that message.My life has completely changed. Now, I have my adopted father who has been the man I will always see as my father. I also have my biological father who has been able to come into my life as someone I care about very much and am getting to know every day.I don't think I could have been able to let my biological father into my life if my dad hadn't given me his blessing. I called him one night crying. I didn't want to hurt him and I wanted to know what he thought about me meeting him. He not only gave me his blessing but let me know how proud he was that I never stopped looking and was able to meet him.
My adoption story isn't over. It's my life.
I will always be working through different layers of this. I can't wrap it up in a perfect bow. I still struggle with feelings of abandonment and feeling like I'm enough for people. However, I know I'm not the only one walking through my adoption story.There are two sides of adoption. There's the beauty of finding a new family and there's the pain of abandonment. Everyone walks through it differently.If this is you and you're walking through your own adoption story, I have one thing to leave you with. You don't have to feel guilty over what you decide about wanting to meet your birth parents or not.It doesn't mean your adoptive family isn't enough. It simply means you're doing what feels right for you.
What is your adoption story?
