Why People Pleasing Never Works In An Interracial Relationship

As a child, I was always so worried about what people thought of me. I wanted everyone to love me and that desire ended up being my motivator for a long time. I rarely said no to people because I was willing to push myself to the point of exhaustion if it meant they would like me.It was the way I found my self-worth.If someone didn't like me, I was completely devastated. I don't even mean on a romantic level. I wanted my boss to think I was the best, my friends to think I was the most loyal, my coworkers to know they could count on me, and the world to accept me.As I got older and the demands to please everyone got more exhausting, I realized it was all pointless.What kind of life would I be living if I chose to make other people happy rather than myself?From that point on, I tried weighing every situation out to see if it was best for me. Was it selfish? Maybe, but if that's what selfish looks like, we should all be a lot more selfish in our lives.All of my people pleasing came back up when I found myself in an interracial relationship. Although, for anyone in the middle of one as well, you know full well how impossible it is to meet everyone's expectations.Interracial couples have multiple sets of expectations.

Cultural Expectations

We all grew up learning a set of standards and norms. They're all a little different because they come from a combination of our family's beliefs and standards passed down in our family's over the years.As a mom, I know it's important to me that my kids carry on the values and traditions I've taught them. It's not because I want them to be stuck in it, it's because I truly think it helps them to be the best they can be. Our parents feel the same way. They spent years teaching us how to be strong, independent, decent human beings.These expectations get a little tricky when you fall for someone with very different expectations. They start to battle against each other and you're left at odds trying to figure out what to do.

Relationship Expectations

On the other hand, you have society's expectations of what a relationship is supposed to look like. You're supposed to start a new family together and make a new set of traditions and expectations for yourselves.However, that's easier said than done in an interracial relationship.Interracial couples have cultural expectations deep-rooted into their very being. It's no longer something their parents said at one point in their lives, it's a part of who they are. They may not even realize they feel strongly about it until their in a situation where someone tries telling them to do it differently.

Expectations are a double-edged sword in interracial relationships.

You know they're there but figuring out how they can possibly blend together feels impossible. 

Over the years, I've learned marriage is give and take.

You could say no to every expectation your partner's culture put or you could try to find a balance. Take some time as a couple and try to decide what YOUR family will do. You don't have to do everything either of your culture's tells you to do. You get to pick and choose some of them. It helps show both sides of your family how important it is to blend cultures and helps you to practice BOTH cultures in your marriage.Some expectations stick regardless of whether or not you choose it. Some people will expect those things of you regardless of what you've decided as a family and that's okay. This is where you need to let go of the people pleasing. I know I'm not the only one that struggles with it.At the end of the day, you make decisions that are best for your family and let the rest go.