Culture Clash Wednesdays #9 The Stigma Of Adoption

I'll never forget that moment in my life. It changed everything for me. I knew I would feel complete after it happened. I had wanted it for so long. I had spend countless nights crying in my bed, hoping one day it might happen.Finally, the day had arrived... and I was going to be adopted by my dad. I was going to sign the papers and everyone would know he was my dad. I wouldn't have to dread Father's Day anymore, I could actually look forward to it. I finally had someone to call daddy.Adoption has always held an extremely important place in my heart. My mom raised my brother and I alone until she met my father. Everything fell into place when he came into our lives. I even started calling him dad right away. It was a word I had always wanted to use and never had a chance to. I have always been proud to tell people my father adopted me. As I've grown up with this reality in my life, I've realized not everyone sees it as something special. Each culture sees it differently. Some know the love it offers and others see it as something shameful. I recently read an article in The New York Times about a Korean couple. This couple had adopted a baby into their family. They knew their family would never approve so instead of telling them the truth, they told their parents the father had an affair. An affair was more acceptable than adoption... I read this article multiple times because I couldn't believe it. This couple longed to have a child of their own. This should have been a blissful moment. Instead, they were worried about what to tell their families. I've heard similar stories from families around the world. Some of them have kept the truth from their child to save them from pain and other keep the secret in fear of what others might think.If you raise a child without telling them the truth, they will think it's something to be ashamed of.[tweetthis display_mode="box"]We have to stop the stigma surrounding adoption and remember adoption means one more child is loved for. #aiwtribe[/tweetthis]One more child isn't alone.One more child has a parent. 

How were you raised to think of adoption?

Joint Families

If you've followed my blog for very long, you probably know my husband travels for work. His work schedule is chaotic. He has extremely busy seasons and then quiet seasons. (Check out his blog to hear how he balances traveling for work and a family). When he's gone, the kids and I keep ourselves very busy. Before you start thinking I plan out my days with super fun, structured activities... remember I have three boys under four. Most days you will find me chasing after them, picking up swords, trying to explain to them why they can't ride our dog like a dragon, and trying to convince my middle child to keep his clothes on. It's naturally jam packed. Luckily, I don't have to do it alone. I haven't had to for most of my kid's lives. We've usually had my brother in law, father in law, or one of my family members close by to help. While everyone understands how great it is to have some extra help with the kids, some people thought it was strange we invited family members to live with us at different times. It has never been a strange concept to me. I grew up with my aunts and mom living with my grandparents off and on and I've seen the roommate dynamic a lot. The more I talked to my American friends, I realized it wasn't common for them. They thought it was strange that we would live with family after we got married. Why not? We had just purchased a big house and had the space. Why not fill it up with family. My aunt has always been the same way. Her house is constantly open for her family to come and stay. In fact I can't remember a time in the last four years that only her family lived in her house. The more I researched it and thought about it, I realized my friends were the exception. Joint families are extremely common right now. What is a joint family you may be thinking... A joint family is where parents and their kids live with additional family members such as siblings, grandparents, and in laws. A joint family dynamic is different than a typical family dynamic. Joint families function as a single unit. The oldest couple is typically in charge, unless they let the couple younger than they take the authority. For example grandparents allowing their oldest child and spouse. Everyone in the family contributes financially and around the house. They combine their money and use it for the family. When I thought about this, I figured the US wouldn't have very many joint families. Wow. I was wrong. In 2003, there were 79 million joint families. This is one thing that Americans have in common with other countries. Joint families are becoming more common around the world every day. Children in joint families tend to feel very secure and confidant in who they are. They have family members all around them encouraging them and helping to raise them. They usually don't have the same financial strains smaller families do. This is because joint families tend to have multiple family members working and contributing to the finances. I don't think there's anyway to say which type of family is better, joint family or nuclear family, but I will say I've learned how great joint families are. 

Have you ever seen a joint family? Did the family work well together?

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Our Children's First Haircuts

Levi's hair. Oh Levi's hair. It's beautiful. It's luscious. 

I prayed for that curly hair. Not that I expect it to work for baby number three... Although I am trying. 

 

Most parents pray for their kids to be born with a full head of hair. We definitely don't have a chance of anything but thick, dark hair. I had it when I was born and well have you have seen an Indian baby without hair? I think not. 

 

Hence why I was so surprised when Joel's mom asked if we were going to shave his head. Do what!? 

 

Apparently it's very common to shave your baby's head (boys and girls) for their first haircut. Some Hindu families even have a ceremony. This tradition changed depending on religion and the region you are from in India. 

 

The biggest part of the first haircut that is so important to Joel's family is the fact that it's a big first! It's also said to make their hair grow back thicker and fuller. The common practice with my culture and Joel's culture is that we all like to keep a little lock of babies hair from the first haircut. 

 

I try to be open minded on all of the new traditions. I want our kids to take part in so many of them. I was hesitant when she wanted us to do it with Liam, but willing. We ended up not all being together for his first haircut and Joel and I decided to just give Liam a trim. 

 

When Levi was born, I was so excited to see his curly hair. We decided to let him keep his hair long and trim it when he starts getting the "Oh what a cute girl," comments. We've cut it dozens and dozens of times, but usually keep it the same length. Joel's mom mentioned cutting it a few times. Then it happened. She fell in love with his hair too!!! Then she even said we will never cut his hair. She even went as far as to say his personality is in his hair!

 

We're contemplating changing his name to Samson. 

 

One day we will actually cut his hair. Not trim, but cut. That day is not today. It's far from now. Until then I'll just smile when grocers call him princess and flight attendants call him a little girl. I'm so used to it that I don't even correct them now!!! Is that bad? I know he looks nothing like a little girl and that's enough for me. 

How old was your child before you cut their hair for the first time?

Blending families should be easy... right?

I’ve always been taught getting married means you leave your family and start your own. You and your husband start a new life. You get your own place, make it your own, start your own traditions, and get to know the person you will spend the rest of your life with. The concept of this is much simpler than it really is.You get married, start your own family, and have to figure out how your new family blends back into both of your individual families.I grew up in a pretty normal white family, by western standards.  My mom was a single mom for the first part of my life, got remarried, I was adopted by my dad, and met my biological father a few years ago. I can call that normal, right? Hey, I did say by western standards… Needless to say, Joel wasn’t walking into a simple family. There was tons of baggage and a long, confusing line of family history.Joel’s parents had an arranged marriage and moved to the United States immediately afterwards. His mom was finishing up school and Joel’s grandparents offered to have him live with them in India for two years until she was done. He moved back from Hyderabad and grew up with his parents in Chicago.We didn’t grow up entirely different. We both had ice cream cakes for every birthday, parents who loved us, we were the oldest siblings, and grew up in Christian families.We got married and started our lives in California. My parents and some of my brothers lived there. Joel learned the ins and outs of a white family and my family learned a bit about East Indian culture. It wasn’t always easy. We had to come into these new situations with an open mind, humble and forgiving, tons of communication, and remember that we love each other and the end of the day.We’ve never lived right next to all of Joel’s family. We were able to live in the same city as Joel’s younger brother for the last few years. We also try to visit one to two times a year. In being so far away, we’ve been slowly learning what it means to blend our little family with Joel’s. I think we’ve encountered most of it after we had kids.Even though the situations we’re confronted with are different in my family and Joel’s, the responses have to be the same. We pick and choose what we want to confront and what we should submit to. We’ve both had times we’ve had to sit down with our in-laws, apologize, and have long talks with each other.We’ve had times we treated our in-laws in a way we found respectful and later find out it’s taken in a completely different manner. It would be easy to brush it off and refuse to accept any responsibility. However, the tough reality is this is someone you will now have in your life forever. If you brush it off, welcome to a life of awkward family get-togethers you dread. Sorry, I’ve never wanted that. I love my in-laws and so does Joel. We work hard on our relationships. This means you have to look at what is respectful and expected in their culture.You’ll never get it all right. New situations are constantly arising and you learn how to deal with them as they happen. Have grace for each other and know that all the hard work you put into your relationships with your new family pays off. Blending families is one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve messed it up in so many ways. I’ve picked the wrong battles and made a fool of myself. The funny thing is it’s all been so worth it. I am now getting close to Joel’s family, which I consider my own. I now have another set of parents, a sister, a brother, aunts and uncles, and more cousins than I can count.Email me and share your experiences with this!