The First Lie I Ever Told My In-Laws

There were quite a few scary and intimidating moments I had encountered while dating my boyfriend at the time. I knew I was falling hard for Joel, but it was all so new to me. I was young and he was my first serious relationship. As you all know, serious relationships come with a lot of intimidating experiences.One of the scariest is meeting that family for the first time. You want them to love you right away, but instead of going into it with a cool head, your mind plays tricks on you.Would I say the right thing? What would their first impression of me be? Would they like me? Would I survive the night?Some of you have heard bits of this story before. I met my in-laws for the first time in Texas. Cali-Mama (my husband's uncle) lived there and was eager to host Thanksgiving. Their family looked forward to the holidays every year because it meant everyone would come together and soak up as much time with each other as they could.This year was special because Joel invited me along. In his mind, he figured everyone was together so what better time to introduce my girlfriend.I was excited to meet these people Joel had spent so much time talking about but secretly terrified. There are so many people in my husband's immediate family which meant I had a lot of people to convince. To convince that we were a great couple and that I was in it for the long run.Luckily, I was able to transition into the house with ease. We had arrived early so there were only a few people there. Joel's two uncles picked us up from the airport. We quickly hopped into the back seat and I noticed there was a car seat. We sat on either side of it and his uncle (granted his white uncle who is also in an interracial marriage) told me it was there on purpose to keep us apart. I started to laugh and he didn't.... I quickly learned his sense of humor and picked up on the fact that he liked teasing and messing with me. It truly helped take the edge off.The next few days, he proceeded to give me a few pointers and tell me how it was for him coming into the family almost a decade before.He and his wife had one of the first interracial marriages in their family and truly broke the mold for the rest of us. It was a bigger struggle for them because everyone was trying to figure out what it would look like.Would they follow all of the Indian traditions? Would they need to behave like an Indian couple?Luckily for us, they walked through the fire so we didn't have to. Nevertheless, hearing all of his stories made me even more nervous about meeting Joel's mom. I wanted so desperately for her to like me.I’ll never forget the night I met Joel’s mom. Joel decided to be a good son and terrible boyfriend by picking his mom up from the airport. He was a great son because what mom doesn’t want to be picked up from their son who they haven’t seen in a while. Don’t forget the terrible boyfriend part. I was about to meet his mom and what does he do?LEAVES ME ALONE. I ended up pacing the living room the entire time. An hour later, I heard the garage door open.What was I thinking? I can just leave. Walk home. Maybe they won’t notice. Or I can hide.Joel’s sister came in first and she was so sweet and calmed me down so much when she gave me a big hug. Okay, a nice sister. I can do this.Then Joel’s mom came in. She was quiet, slowly walking towards me. I’m sure she was checking me out thinking who in the world is this girl dating my son.She gave me a hug and walked into the kitchen. She then proceeded by asking me what kind of food I cooked. Apparently, Joel told her I made casseroles. Thanks, Joel. First of all, I have NEVER made him a casserole. Ever. What was I supposed to say? I was twenty and barely knew how to cook. So, I said I made casseroles.I couldn’t decide if she liked me the whole weekend! I second guessed every look and everything she said!I quickly learned Joel’s mom’s sense of humor.. She has this quiet, sarcastic humor that is hilarious. However, if you don’t know her it freaks you out because you can’t tell if she’s serious! Now, we have a great relationship.She teases me about being white and I remind her that I’m more Indian than her son. She would never tell me, but I’ve heard through the grapevine that she’s told people I’m becoming more Indian! Two points for the almost Indian wife.Maybe one day you will be reading my new blog… The INDIAN Wife.

What Do I Do If My Loved Ones Family Hates Me?

In a perfect world, your relationships would be supported by everyone around you. They would only see the love you have for your loved one and nothing else would matter. Instead people get held up on race, family background, and just about anything that makes you imperfect in their eyes. So, what do you do? What do you do if your relationship isn't supported by the people you love. What if your own family doesn't support your relationship? Do you let their opinions prevent you from being with the person you love? What if that choice means you or your loved one will get disowned from your family? 

Make your choice together. 

You need to sit down with your loved one and make the decision. Being in an intercultural relationship comes with it's challenges. These challenges are different for each family, but none of those challenges can compare to the love you have for one another. However, an un-supporting family can be destructive in a relationship.You both need decide if it's worth it. If it is then grab each other by the hand and face life together. You have to stand together otherwise the challenges can tear your relationship apart. You need to support each other.All you can do is trust that they will see the love you have for each other and grow to accept it. At the end of the day it's their choice to accept your relationship or not. It won't be you that changes their mind. They have to choose to be open to your intercultural relationship. You can't let their unwillingness prevent you from loving each other. Family is extremely important and I'm not saying throw your family away. What I am saying is that you can't choose how people respond. All you can do is be willing to fight for your family to accept your relationship. 

Take it one day at a time.

Sometimes the challenges that can come with an intercultural relationship are overwhelming. You can get lost in it and lose sight of what's important. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Remember you love each other and that love is what's made everything worth it. Take your relationship with your family or your new family day by day. Just be yourself. Take every smile they give you, every nice comment, or any attention they pay to you as a success. It's one more positive experience with them that you can put under your belt. Try to let go of the negative experiences with them. They aren't worth remembering or wasting your time on. Instead try to build on the positive moments. 

You're enough. 

The biggest thing you need to focus on is that you are enough for each other. You're in this relationship because you are more than enough for one another. Don't let your in laws or your family's feelings about your relationship make you think you aren't enough. Often times, the problem isn't you. It's the idea of someone or something they didn't expect. They either expected someone within their race, religion, or similar family backgrounds. They don't know how to react to something different so they turn it into anger towards you. Don't let this drag you down.You are enough. Your relationship is worth any challenges that may come up because you love each other. Hold onto that love and let it change people. 

Have you experienced similar struggles? What advice can you share with us?

Blending families should be easy... right?

I’ve always been taught getting married means you leave your family and start your own. You and your husband start a new life. You get your own place, make it your own, start your own traditions, and get to know the person you will spend the rest of your life with. The concept of this is much simpler than it really is.You get married, start your own family, and have to figure out how your new family blends back into both of your individual families.I grew up in a pretty normal white family, by western standards.  My mom was a single mom for the first part of my life, got remarried, I was adopted by my dad, and met my biological father a few years ago. I can call that normal, right? Hey, I did say by western standards… Needless to say, Joel wasn’t walking into a simple family. There was tons of baggage and a long, confusing line of family history.Joel’s parents had an arranged marriage and moved to the United States immediately afterwards. His mom was finishing up school and Joel’s grandparents offered to have him live with them in India for two years until she was done. He moved back from Hyderabad and grew up with his parents in Chicago.We didn’t grow up entirely different. We both had ice cream cakes for every birthday, parents who loved us, we were the oldest siblings, and grew up in Christian families.We got married and started our lives in California. My parents and some of my brothers lived there. Joel learned the ins and outs of a white family and my family learned a bit about East Indian culture. It wasn’t always easy. We had to come into these new situations with an open mind, humble and forgiving, tons of communication, and remember that we love each other and the end of the day.We’ve never lived right next to all of Joel’s family. We were able to live in the same city as Joel’s younger brother for the last few years. We also try to visit one to two times a year. In being so far away, we’ve been slowly learning what it means to blend our little family with Joel’s. I think we’ve encountered most of it after we had kids.Even though the situations we’re confronted with are different in my family and Joel’s, the responses have to be the same. We pick and choose what we want to confront and what we should submit to. We’ve both had times we’ve had to sit down with our in-laws, apologize, and have long talks with each other.We’ve had times we treated our in-laws in a way we found respectful and later find out it’s taken in a completely different manner. It would be easy to brush it off and refuse to accept any responsibility. However, the tough reality is this is someone you will now have in your life forever. If you brush it off, welcome to a life of awkward family get-togethers you dread. Sorry, I’ve never wanted that. I love my in-laws and so does Joel. We work hard on our relationships. This means you have to look at what is respectful and expected in their culture.You’ll never get it all right. New situations are constantly arising and you learn how to deal with them as they happen. Have grace for each other and know that all the hard work you put into your relationships with your new family pays off. Blending families is one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve messed it up in so many ways. I’ve picked the wrong battles and made a fool of myself. The funny thing is it’s all been so worth it. I am now getting close to Joel’s family, which I consider my own. I now have another set of parents, a sister, a brother, aunts and uncles, and more cousins than I can count.Email me and share your experiences with this!