Ask The Almost Indian Wife: How Can I Teach My Loved One A New Culture

One of my favorite parts about blogging is getting questions from all of you! The whole reason I started blogging was to take what I've learned from my multicultural family and give you tips for yours!

I was looking through some of my recent reader questions and found one I think a lot of you could relate to. Whether you're trying to learn about a new culture or teach your loved one about yours, this post is for you!

First of all, thank you so much for writing in! I changed a few minor details to make sure the person that sent in their question could remain anonymous.

Dear Almost Indian Wife,

 I need help! My husband and I have been married for a little under a year now. He's amazing! The only problem is our cultures collide all the time. I'm East Indian and he's American. Most of our fights are surrounding our families. I keep trying to explain my family to him, but he doesn't get it. He gets frustrated so much and all I want is for him to feel comfortable with my family. What do you think?

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When my husband and I first met, we had an instant attraction to each other. We knew right away that there was a spark between us and we were interested in taking our friendship further. We didn't start thinking about what it would look like to blend cultures until we were engaged and planning a fusion wedding.In the beginning of most of our relationships, I think it's safe to say it's similar. We're so interested in getting to know each other and it's just fun. The beginning of a relationship is fun because it's all new. It's all about the first dates, the first kiss, and the first time you feel completely yourself in front of that person.As your relationship continues and you get closer, things begin to get more serious. You start to meet their family, they meet yours, and you start to see what it may look like to blend cultures together. This is where things get a little tricky.My husband grew up with parents who had an arranged marriage and spent the first part of their lives living in India. I grew up with a single mom who got remarried to my, now dad, at 10 years old.  It's safe to say our families were very different.I didn't realize how different until he started to spend time with my family. He knew my family was different than his, but he was trying to find his place. He wanted to know how to talk to my brothers because in his family he has a sense of authority with his siblings. They listen to and respect him because he's there unna (big brother). In my family we were more equals with my siblings.The hardest thing for us was how different the dynamics were. We couldn't simply do what we did in out own families. It was different.

Teaching Your Loved One About A New Culture

Remember it's new 

The most important thing you need to remember is that you’re teaching you’re loved one a new culture. They didn’t grow up in it like you did. There are so many things your culture affects. Your culture is the way your family thinks, what they believe, and how you behave. It also teaches you how you should treat your loved one. You’re going to look at your cultural norms to see how you should talk to them, what you should say, and how you show your love for them.

It’s all new. They’re learning everything about your life and why you are they way you are. Give them patience while they learn and fall in love with your culture like you.

Give it time.

You can’t just explain so many things to your loved one in one night. It’s going to take time for them to learn from what you tell them and how you behave. As they see that, they can figure out how they want to blend cultures, what they want to adopt from your culture, and more.

All you can do is take it day by day and one situation at a time. You’re typically going to be able to teach your loved one the most about your culture in the moment. As you experience things together, it’s going to bring you closer together. They’re going to learn much more by actually experiencing your family, culture, and traditions with you.

Communicate

 

I can’t say this one enough. You need to communicate! Most of my marital struggles with my husband are due to a lack of communication. As soon as we make the time to talk things through, we do so much better!

You need to make time to talk everything through. Don’t just expect they understand or are ok with something, you need to actually ask them. Ask them how they’re doing and frequently take the temperature on your relationship. While the way you’re blending cultures now may work, it may not always. Your lives will change as you both grow which means you need to constantly reevaluate how you’re doing things together. This happens by talking all the time.

 

Remember some things are universal 

 

It’s easy to get lost in all the differences when you’re in an interracial relationship. However, keep in mind some things are universal. Regardless of where you grew up, love is the same anywhere. We all fight for the people we love. If you start to get stressed out in the blending process, go back to what you have in common.

You’re both fighting for your relationship because you love each other. That makes it all worth it.

What's helped you teach your loved one about a brand new culture? Or are you on the opposite end of the equation?

Interracial Couples: The Feeling Of Never Doing It Well Enough

There are so many blessings in being an interracial couple. You get to present your children with multiple rich cultures, you get to dive into a new culture, you get to see how differently your spouse grew up, your family vacations are amazing because you get to visit places you both went as children, and your family becomes a strong unit because you're figuring out how to blend cultures together.However, along with all of the blessings, there are some difficulties as well. I've received so many emails and comments from all of you sharing a similar struggle...

The Struggle Intercultural Couples Face

You feel torn between two cultures. You want to blend these two rich cultures in your family, but it comes with a lot of outside pressure. Your family wants you to keep the traditions you grew up with and his family wants you to embrace his culture. It sounds easy enough, right?Then the comments start to roll in as you and your spouse start blending cultures the way you think is best. The wonderful comments that make you feel like complete garbage."Why are you doing it that way? That's not how we raised you to do it.""Why don't you tell her how she should be doing that?""Why do you let your child eat so much American food? Don't you want her to be raised with Indian food?""Why do you feed him such spicy food? We never gave you spicy food."These are some of the comments many of you have told me you get. As parents, you're probably already used to the outside pressure. There's always something you're not doing well enough or doing too much of. You can't win in the world's eyes because everyone has the idea that their way is the right way. This is definitely the same in blending cultures.It's almost like you're too (white) to be (Indian) and too (Indian) to be (white)... Switch it up and fill in the words that fit for you, but it's a real struggle intercultural couples are facing on a day to day basis.If you're not careful you're going to give into the pressure and start listening. All it will lead to is you feeling like a failure. Feeling like you can't do anything right.It means you're embracing both of your cultures and creating a new culture within your family.3 Ways To Respond To Negative Criticism Over The Way You've Chosen To Blend CulturesTake it with a grain of salt.When you hear a comment remember everyone has their own opinions. You may agree with some comments and completely disregard others. Before you ignore the comment, ask yourself if you agree. If not, that's ok! People always think their way is best and have a hard time changing what they think. Just remember it's your family and you will figure out the right way to blend cultures for you. Let it go and move on.Some comments you get will be frustrating, but easy to ignore. Others feel like a knife in the heart. It's hard to hear anything about your parenting or your family. You tend to get defensive and ready to fight off anyone that has anything negative to say about them. If they dare criticise either of them, you hold onto it. You let it fester and turn into something much worse.Instead, you have to let it go and move on. Their will always be someone out there with something negative to say. You can't hold onto it all because it will ruin you and it's not worth your time.Remember there is no perfect way to blend cultures.I have talked with so many people in intercultural marriages and my favorite thing is to see how they blend cultures in their family. I'm going to tell you a little secret... They all do it differently! They're all breaking the mold on what's right. Blending cultures is a beautiful and difficult task, but it's always worth it. Don't let the outside pressure get to you.