Living With Your In-Laws: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
Have you ever wondered what it would look like to live with your in-laws? Maybe you already live in a joint family and need some advice. Today, we get to have a little peak into what it actually looks like from Amanda! Amanda is the blogger behind the website MarocMama, a fearless guide to food and travel. She lives in Marrakech, Morocco with her extended family and loves to share culinary experiences and unique destinations around the world with her readers.
Living with Your In-laws: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
Would you live with your in-laws? For many people who haven’t grown up in a culture where this practice is common it sounds like an absolute nightmare – and sometimes it is. Thirteen years ago I met and married my Moroccan husband. We lived in the US for many years until returning to Morocco four years ago. When we returned we moved into the family home.There are a lot of reasons extended families live in a single home and in Moroccan culture it’s as much to do with keeping the family together as it is practicality. When family members age they need to be cared for and this is done by their children. The reasons are also financial. In countries like Morocco it’s not always possible for a young couple to afford their own apartment or home.When we moved to Morocco, our first intention was to stay for only a year and to save money and make the move easier we opted to move into the family home. I had a few reservations but decided I could do just about anything for a year. While in some situations each family would have just their own room or two with shared common spaces, we had our own floor of the house with a private living room, bathroom, and kitchen. However, the house is laid out like a traditional Moroccan home – with an open center courtyard. All of the rooms on each floor face outward to this open middle space. So, while technically we had a private space it in actuality is semi-private.
What is it like to live with your in-laws?
Hard. But, not every situation is the same. For me, someone that had lived alone since I was 18 years old it was incredibly strange to get used to having to contend with others around me. There were two major issues that were difficult to get used to. First, when there would be a noise disturbance in the US from a neighbor I could call the police, that doesn’t work here. Moroccans, and especially my in-laws, tend to be night people. They stay up until very late at night, every night with little regard for the amount of noise they are making. This was an issue was I am a big fan of routines and bedtimes for our kids who were six and eight when we moved. Four years later this remains an issue but it is better than it was in the beginning.The second issue was the lack of privacy. Thankfully our floor of the house is private but in the beginning family members would walk in without knocking at any time. It was also very common that they would take, and in some cases ask, for different things that we had. It could be a brush, a broom, or something from the kitchen. I’ve heard from others that their clothing or shoes would “go missing,” and end up being worn by a sister in law or niece that day.Communal living can be a huge mental drain. I am someone that really needs solitude and time away from people. I’m not anti-social but I need to “recharge.” It was hard for my mother in law to understand that just because I wasn’t sitting in the living room with them didn’t mean I didn’t like them, it just meant I valued my space. I also work from home and it took a VERY long time to explain what this was. Again, I wasn’t being anti-social but I was working.When you are a foreign spouse in a traditional family there is a desire to want to do what they expect you to do. I felt this in the beginning but my advice to anyone who is living with their in-laws or considering it is not to fall into this trap. You will lose your own identity and in the end regret it, especially when you realize you’ll never be able to meet their expectations. If I were a typical Moroccan daughter-in-law, I would have been expected to cook and clean around the entire house, not just my floor. In the beginning this was mentioned but I immediately pushed back. I would help but I didn’t move here to become the live in help. It is critical that you have a firm sense of who you are, what your values are, and what your goals are so that you can compromise accordingly.
Are there any benefits to living with your in-laws?
I realize this all sounds very negative, but there are some benefits to living this way. One of the biggest advantages is that it can save a lot of money. If you’re on a tight budget or planning to relocate for a short period of time it can be ideal. Discuss with the family how your family will contribute; will you buy groceries, pay the electric bill, or something else? Living this way means shared responsibility in the household upkeep.The other advantage for us is that I travel a lot for work. My kids are able to always stay in their home without having to be uprooted from their house to go to grandma’s or their aunties house when mom and dad are gone or at work. There is always another adult around if they need something. No babysitters needed!Finally, even though it can be a huge strain living this way does bring a family closer together (it also drives you crazy but hey, that’s family!). My mother-in-law can come up and have lunch with us if she wants. We all can help each other when something is wrong and my kids always have playmates thanks to their cousins being right downstairs.I don’t think this style of living is for everyone and I do think it’s helpful to put a time limit on it. It can be very stressful for people who come from a culture where they are not used to living in such a way. If you do make this choice, put up your boundaries right away and stick to them, it will make life much easier for everyone. Be true to who you are and what your desires are because they will be challenged regularly. Finally, learn to accept the good with the bad and do whatever you can to make the bad a little more tolerable!
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Meet Molly: A Fellow Almost Indian Wife Pt. 2
A few weeks ago, Molly, a fellow Almost Indian Wife shared what it's been like to move to India. She gave us a glimpse into her experiences and her struggles. Today, she's sharing more about her journey!
What has it been like for you to settle into a new country, new home, and fully integrate yourself into Indian culture?
Personally, I have gone through a lot while living in this other culture/country. I’ve gone through happiness, depression, loneliness, and just about every feeling.I used to be a VERY independent person, I mean I did everything; the chores, the errands, shopping, grocery shopping you name it! But ever since coming to India, I have to depend on my husband Jim for EVERYTHING! And he’s so busy with the ministry, sometimes I don’t get to go out of the house for weeks at a time! Which of course put a strain on our marriage in the beginning. I want to learn how to drive, so I don’t need to depend on Jim so much, but Jim doesn’t want me to learn because he himself is so scared of driving.The driving in India is the worst! Just imagine no one following any traffic rules, that’s how it is. The driving is also on the left side, with the steering wheel on the right, which is something I will have to learn. You can look up on YouTube, “driving in India” to see what it’s like.Either way, going outside as a “white” girl is the worst experience. I’m talking about the actual Indian experience, like shopping on the street corners, and getting expensive things for really cheap. Even walking on the streets is dangerous, you are surrounded by beggars and little kids that come up to you for money. I was even chased for 5 minutes one time because a lady wanted more money than what I gave her!
Common things you will see on the road:
Also, because I'm White, Indians try their hardest to cheat and take advantage of me. When you shop on the streets, most of the time you can bargain with the salesman to get a better price, but with a white person...! They double and triple the cost of things!I can never go shopping without my sister in law because she knows the value of things and what the real cost is. They do have huge malls, and really nice stores where we live, and because of me, that is where we shop now. Jim’s family soon realized that they can’t take me shopping where they usually go because then they won’t get good prices.I just hate the thought of “bargaining” or “bribing.” It is something I am definitely not good at. So, just like America, we go to the more “fancier” shops where things have price tags on them. I always have to hide when there are vendors coming to the door, such as people selling clothes, bangles, jewelry because they will raise the prices.Even getting into an auto rickshaw I always have to stand behind Jim without them seeing me, then once he gets the cost of how much it will be, then I come around the corner and get in. I wish it wasn’t like that, but we certainly can’t afford triple the cost of everything just because of my skin color.I was definitely not prepared when we first moved to India. I just came from a place where you are friendly to people, can trust them to a certain extent, have your own privacy, people say their "please" and "thank you’s" etc. But here! It all went out the window. And since we came here for the ministry, there are certain things I should and shouldn’t do anymore. I can’t wear short sleeve shirts, no shorts, only full-length skirts, no tank tops, my arms have to be covered, I have to wear a shawl wherever I go, I can’t sit cross-legged in front of elders and my hair has to be covered in any church event.The clothing I have to wear is a chudidars or a sari (I can wear jeans only if Jim and I are going out, which isn’t very often). Also in church, the woman sits on one side while the men sit on the other.Indians are also very concerned about education. We have parents in our church who break their backs day and night as hard working laborers, just so that their child will get a good education. Education is everything to them, without it you're basically no one in society. Also, if their child has a chance to go abroad, it is a huge pride for the parents. I love hearing parents talk about their children who have gone to America because they seem to understand me more and the culture where I come from.In the end, my husband and I are here for God and the ministry. I have my moments of being homesick, there are good days and bad days. India is full of culture and diversity and I’m very blessed to be going through this experience. God has revealed a lot to me about myself and in our marriage. I feel that ever since living here, I’m able to understand Jim more because I’m living what he has lived his whole life before he met me and it has been tough but well worth the eye opener. We both love our cultures and that is one blessing our kids will have, a life of two very different worlds.
Do you have questions for Molly about her experiences? Ask her in the comment section!
Meet Molly, A Fellow Almost Indian Wife
Today I am very excited to introduce you all to my friend Molly. She’s a fellow Almost Indian Wife and just got back after living in India with her husband. She took some time to share about her experiences in a new culture with all of us!
Molly tell us a little about yourself.
Hello everyone, my name is Molly Elliot and I’m married to my wonderful husband of 4 years, Jim Elliot. Jim and I were married in India, November 2012, and soon after that we came back to the U.S to work and save some money. We just came back to Bangalore, India January 2015 and have lived here ever since.These are pictures of our wedding.
What was it like for you living in India? Can you share a bit about your experiences?
My experiences while living here in India have been both good and bad. I understand each state has their own culture, but I’ll share my experiences living with a Tamil family. My husband and I came here to do ministry alongside Jim’s dad who is a pastor, as well as help raise 11 street children (girls) that they have been running since 2001. We currently live with the girls, my in-laws, and Jim’s two sisters. The boys home (15 boys) is separate from the girls’ home, outside city limits.We live in a three floor house, the ground floor is my in-laws space, first floor is our space, and the second floor is the girls space.
What struggles have you faced while living in a new culture and home across the world?
One of the biggest struggles for me since we’ve moved here is not having our own place. In America, Jim and I lived on our own for two years, we learned how to survive with each other. Here in India, the son has the responsibility of taking care of his parents until their death. This was a huge strain on our marriage because I wanted it to be like America; live in our own house with our own rules, our own privacy, go to the in laws house if not every day then every other day. I wanted our life to be exactly the same as it was, but I learned the hard way that it would never be the same. Usually our day begins with being woke up by our wonderful neighbor who sweeps the outside of his gate at 3:30 in the morning for an hour, right outside our window. That’s one common thing you will see, all the women get up early to sweep the outside because of all the dust, then (if they are Hindus) they will decorate the cement with chalk designs.Then we go downstairs, have our morning tea, you can NOT start your day without having chai tea! we have our Indian breakfast which is usually; Dosa with Chutney, Idli, or Puri, or my ABSOLUTE favorite; Masala Dosa. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day because it doesn’t involve rice.
