What's Expected Of A Foreign Daughter In Law?
Does marrying into a foreign culture mean you are now expected to behave according to your new cultures rules?
This has come up for me in different ways. I’ve mentioned before, I grew up in a family with a single, mom. I was taught to be a strong, independent, and outspoken person. However, the culture I have married into expects humility, submission to leadership, and listening and trusting your elders. There’s not much room for outspoken remarks in there.When I first married my husband, I was very vocal to him. I told him that we are married, starting our own family, but he has to remember, I’m not Indian. He used to laugh.
Yes, hon. I think your white skin was a bit of a give away for me.
I could see some of the cultural differences from the beginning of our relationship. It all started my first Thanksgiving with his family. I was so interested and observed all weekend. I noticed everyone was called by Indian names (Ukka, Mama, Pinni, Ummamma), everyone was extremely close to each other, everyone ate Indian food with their hands, and all of the kids submissively obeyed their elders (even as adults).My husband and I have always wanted to bring Indian culture into our family. So, I tried to find out what was going to be expected of me as a foreign daughter in law. I wanted to be a good daughter in law, but I also didn’t want to be held to every Indian standard there was. In my head, I thought I'd be changing myself if I agreed to be held to all Indian standards.The longer I've been a foreign daughter in law, the more I’m realizing it’s not possible to truly bring Indian culture into our family without being held to some Indian standards.I have responsibilities as the oldest daughter (in law) in the family, as a mother of biracial children, as a wife, as a foreign daughter in law, and as an Akka (big sister).I've learned to love some of these expectations. I love that my husband and I have been able to be there for my brother and sister in law. I love being able to give advice to all of the cousins in the family. I love having family live with us for extended periods of time.Along with so many expectations I love, there are also some that I still struggle with. As an outspoken person, I have the hardest time listening without sharing my opinion. I’ve learned how disrespectful it can be in Indian culture to openly disagree with an elder. In my family, we all share our opinions and often leave it at, let’s agree to disagree. I’ve never seen that as disrespectful. I love that my family shares our opinions with each other. Even if we don’t follow what someone says, I love that we can challenge each other.Submissive obedience in Indian families means an elder tells you to do something and you do it, simple as that. I finally asked someone for advice on this.
Will I lose myself if I agree to submissive obedience?
She asked how I’d lose myself. How could I be myself, without sharing what I thought? What if I disagreed? What if I agreed, but I still want to share what I thought?The more questions I asked myself, the more I realized there's no way to lose myself by listening to someone who loves my family and is trying to help us. I have only been a parent for five years. I have so much to learn. If anything, I’m letting my pride prevent me from accepting help.When elders in our family tell me to do something, I’ve learned to be open. Obviously, I’m so far from perfect in this area. I know my pride will continue to rear it’s ugly head again and again. However, I want to teach my kids to listen to their elders as well. The best way to teach them this is to show them, even adults listen to their elders.This doesn’t mean I don’t have a voice in our family. That is the biggest idea that I struggle with. The western culture in my head says obeying as an adult means I’m being stifled and not respected. In reality it means someone loves us enough, they are trying to help us by giving us advice and trying to make our lives easier.There are the times where I am told to do something with my children and I don’t agree.
What do I do? I thank them for the advice and then my husband and I decide together.
At the end of the day, my husband and I will do what we think is best for our family. However, I am actively trying to quiet my pride so I can be open to what our family members have to offer as advice and wisdom.As a foreign daughter in law, the standards are different. Some may expect me to follow every Indian standard and others won’t hold me to any. My husband and I talk about which standards I feel comfortable holding myself to. The biggest thing I ask myself is what can I teach my child if I follow a certain standard. If I think it holds value to them, I try to follow it. If it’s not something I want to teach them, I don’t.
You won’t ever be able to please everyone. All you can do is what’s best for your family. You and your spouse chose together what you will do as a family.
12 Things Interracial Couples Are Tired Of Hearing
12 Things Interracial Couples Hear All The Time
As an interracial couple, you're used to people asking you questions and maybe staring a bit. Sometimes people are curious and other times they're just enamored but what an adorable couple you are.The questions though.. They get a little crazy. They start off innocent and then just get... Well, you'll see.
1. You met online...?
2. Did your family approve?
3. Getting quizzed to see if the stereotypes are true
4. Racial jokes
5. Have you ever been attracted to your own race?
6. I would love having mixed kids! Can you help me find a (____)
7. Won't your kids be confused
8. I've dated someone who's ____ before
9. Is it uncomfortable getting both of your families together
10. Doesn't it feel weird being the only (___) at their family events
11. You're really progressive.
12. I love Kim Kardashian and Kanye!
What are you tired of hearing about your interracial relationship?
3 Ways To Blend Cultures Without Losing Your Identity
"We don't need a melting pot in this country, folks. We need a salad bowl. In a salad bowl, you put in the different things. You want the vegetables- the lettuce, the cucumbers, the onions, the green peppers- to maintain their identity. You appreciate differences."
- Jane Elliot
Let's Throw Out The Melting Pot!
I love this quote. I've always heard of America as a melting pot of different cultures. As a child, I didn't think twice about it because it made sense. Now that I hear it as an adult, it doesn't sit well with me.A melting pot means we all melt together and conform to the same thing. If America is a melting pot, then we're expected to keep the parts of our cultures that everyone is comfortable with and let the other things go.It brings me back to a question I get asked by many of you.
Now that I'm in an interracial relationship, do I have to lose my culture and conform to theirs?
No. Simply no.When your partner fell for you it was because of who you are, not what someone wanted you to be. Your culture and life has helped you to become the person you are today.As we begin blending cultures, some people go back to the melting pot idea. They think you have to melt all of your culture, traditions, and life together with your partners until it becomes something brand new. In reality, one of my favorite things about a multiracial family is that you're bringing together two distinct cultures.Over the last seven years, my husband and I have found ways to bring in traditions we both grew up with, parenting styles we had, and new customs unique to our own little family.When we first got together, there was a part of me that assumed I was expected to let go of my own culture. Some of it was my own idea of what I was supposed to do and some of it was expectations from other people.It took me a while to realize I had to put the melting pot aside because it wasn't working for my relationship or family. My husband was actually the big reason for this. He had been telling me from the beginning I wasn't expected to do anything I didn't want to do. If other people wanted those things, it was up to me to decide what I was comfortable with.As many of you know, culture expectations can be a heavy burden, but at the end of the day it's our choice. We can choose to conform to different expectations or we can find a different way.Our identity is made up of more than just our traditions. Our identity is who we are at the end of the day. As you're sitting here reading this, think about what's made you who you are today.You are who you are because of the decisions you've made, how you grew up, the influences you've had in your life, your culture, and so much more. Our identity truly does change over time.The identity I had before kids compared to now is different and I don't see it as a bad thing. It's because the love you have for your children changes you.As you get into a relationship, your identity changes because you start to care about someone and make room in your life for them. As you blend cultures, the same thing will happen, but it doesn't mean you have to lose your identity. You will develop a passion for this new culture and you'll notice you want to bring it into your life and family.If we can throw away the melting pot, the fear of losing ourselves to this new culture goes away. Our little salad bowl will contain the best parts of both of our cultures.
What can you do to make sure your relationship is a blend of two cultures?
Communicate
I can't ever say this one enough. Communication is so important. You need to talk to each other and let your partner know how you feel. They can't read your mind and if you don't speak up, nothing will change.
Check in with each other
Sit down with each other and discuss your relationship. Obviously, this will probably happen throughout the week as well, but make sure you're intentional about it at least once a month.Then you create a safe time to discuss how you're feeling. Whether this is how their family treats your traditions, how you feel blending cultures is going in your relationship, etc.Things change. An area of your relationship can be going great one month and struggle the next. Make sure you are always reevaluating together.
Make a list
I know this one might sound silly, but it's not. Make a list of things that are important in both of your cultures. Then you can think about how to make those things present in your lives.We currently don't live by my husband's family. Our kids don't get to see all of the Indian customs and traditions on a daily basis. Knowing what my husband wants his kids to know and follow based on his culture helps us find ways to intentionally incorporate it into our daily lives.Blending cultures is beautiful because it's bringing two people together and finding the best of both.
How do you make sure your family is a good blend of you and your partner's cultures?
Our Favorite Movies Featuring Interracial Couples
Sometimes A Good Movie Can Fix Everything
I'll never forget the month leading up to my big Indian wedding. For the first time in my life I was experiencing things I never expected to. I was trying to blend cultures and traditions for one of the biggest days of my life.It wasn't just about a wedding dress or favors, we had to figure out which culture to let navigate through wedding preparations. We ended up with a beautiful fusion wedding and it was worth all the long hours it took to make it happen.When things would get stressful, I'd cozy up on the couch with a good movie. I found myself looking for movies with interracial couples who understood what it meant to blend cultures.Can you guess what movie I watched over and over again?My Big Fat Greek Wedding!Replace Indian for Greek and you have my life, wedding, and story! I know it sounds silly, but it feels good to watch a similar story to your own. It's comforting.If you're looking for a good movie about interracial couples, I have the perfect list for you! Cozy up with some popcorn, your loved one, and pick one of these for your movie tonight!
My Favorite Movies Starring Interracial Couples
Loving
Hitch
Away We Go
I Love You Man
Focus
Hancock
The Words
Belle
Guess Who
The Wedding Planner
Save The Last Dance
Fools Rush In
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Which one is your favorite?