How Do I Blend Cultures When I Have No Idea What I'm Doing?
It doesn’t matter how old we are, how many kids we have, or how many years of marriage are under our belts… we all hit the same realization eventually… "I have no idea what I’m doing."I’ve thought this...during fights with my husband... while correcting my children... while looking at my messy house... while driving with screaming kids in the car... after I burn dinner for the second time... when my kids ask me earth shattering questions about life... and especially when my husband and I try to figure out how to blend cultures in our family. It’s a normal feeling to have. We’ve all had it and will have it in the future. Instead of feeling defeated, we need to realize none of us know what we’re doing. All we can do is take it one day and one step at a time.
How Do I Blend Cultures When I Have No Idea What I’m Doing?
Talk. You and your spouse need to do a whole lot of talking. The more you talk about blending cultures, the more it’s on your mind, and the more intentional you’ll be. You may not know how to blend cultures in the moment, but that's okay!You can talk after a situation comes up and discuss how you could have blended better.Often times, we look back at situations and feel defeated because we see a missed opportunity. In reality, it was a teaching opportunity for your family. You can talk about it together and discuss what you could do next time or you and your spouse make a plan for next time.
The Worst Thing You Can Do When Blending Cultures...
Keeping your thoughts to yourself. It’s incredibly important in any relationship to keep the lines of communication open. You need to talk about how you feel, your opinions, and what you want to see in your family.Communication will help you blend cultures because you’ll know what’s important to each other and how you can make sure those things are present in your family and relationship.
None Of Us Know What We’re Doing
At the end of the day, none of us really know what we’re doing. We’re all figuring it out just like you. The only way any of us learns is by walking through life and sometimes through failing. After we fail, we can learn from it. The most important thing to keep in mind is how you respond. If you have no clue what you’re doing ask for advice, follow your gut, and give yourself a break.There isn’t a book out there that can tell us what to do every step of the way, so we’re all just doing the best we can. Guess what… You’re going to enjoy blending cultures way more if you just let it all go. It’s going to happen. You’re going to figure it out.
3 Ways Multiracial Families Can Blend Holiday Traditions
The holidays have always been my favorite. My family went above and beyond for them and I knew it meant my family would all get together and we'd have a great time.Now that I have my own little family, I get to share that love with them!I want them to see how much fun it is to make Thanksgiving dinner, decorate for fall, pick the perfect gifts for loved ones, and check off our holiday bucket lists!As my kids have gotten older, I'm starting to see how our multiracial family has put a unique spin on the holidays. We're always looking for ways to blend our cultures into our little family. I want my boys to see how fun it is to figure out what the holidays mean to us.Are you trying to figure out what the holidays mean to your own family? Maybe you're attempting to blend all your traditions together and you need some help? I have a few tips for you that can make blending holiday traditions fun and simple!
Fill your house with decorations that can stay up longer!
Mix Up Your Holiday Menu.
Try Out A New Tradition
Some families can feel pressure to bring in all the traditions they had growing up, but the holidays is a great time to try out something new. Think of a fun new tradition to start for your own family. You don't have to stick to a routine because it's what you've always done.Embrace your own family and put your spin on the holidays!You may even be surprised to find out you've already started one! Maybe you make the same thing ever Christmas morning or you you started making your famous dish for Thanksgiving. Sometimes the best traditions happen without even trying.How Do You Blend Holiday Traditions In Your Multiracial Family?
Lessons We Can Learn From Our Kids
Do you ever find yourself sitting on the couch, avoiding all of your responsibilities, and watching Captain Underpants with your kids for the fifth time?Oh, just me?I sit there and think about all the things I need to get done, but it doesn't urge me off the couch. If anything I sink in deeper and deeper with every thought. Not to mention, cuddles from my little boys can seriously cure just about anything.They're so carefree and I love watching them. The smallest things make them happy. Even a silly movie about a superhero in underpants! I need to take a few lessons from them on how to let go of the stress and just enjoy my day.
Sometimes You Just Need A Hug To Make It All Better
You really don't know the power of a hug until you have kids. Something catastrophic can happen to one of them (like a tiny scrape on the knee.... catastrophic) and they can start looking their minds. Right when you think they may never calm down, you walk over and give them a tight hug. You feel them start to relax in your arms and they know everything is going to be okay.I think we as adults need hugs just as bad. Life can turn into complete chaos around us and sometimes a hug is the answer. Even at almost 30, a hug from my mom feels just as good.
Focus On The Task At Hand
As much as we'd all love for our kids to be able to do more than one thing at a time, it just doesn't happen. If they sit down to do homework, their focus will be completely lost the moment they start thinking about dinner. Or they start to go upstairs to grab something like you've asked them to do and forget everything when they see a toy they left on the top stair.Even though it drives us crazy, they may have a point. Sometimes, we have to turn our brains down and just focus on one thing at a time. Maybe it's an evening with your kids and you know you need to set your phone down. Or maybe it's focusing all of your attention onto your spouse while on a date rather than listing off your to do list in your head.
It's Okay To Take A Break
My kids are constantly taking breaks throughout their extremely "difficult" days. Soccer is the perfect example. My son will be on the field for all of two minutes before he desperately needs a Gatorade break. In his mind, he's worked as long as he can and now he needs a little r and r.How often do we give ourselves breaks? We look at the to do list in front of us and tell ourselves there's no way we can justify a break. Take a little note from your kids and give yourself a break just because. You work your tail off every day and you don't need an excuse to kick your feet up for a minute or 30!
Not Everything Is As Important As You Think
There have been so many times I sit stressed out at my desk, only to have one of my kids come up to me and ask why I don't just stop. "Momma, why can't you just stop if it's making you so mad?" I always shrug it off because what do they know... right...?As adults, we tend to think everything is life and death. We struggle with the stress and uncertainty of life, but at the end of the day it's okay. Not everything is as big of a deal as we think. The world will keep turning if we don't fold all the laundry before bed. Your kids will survive if they eat mac n cheese for dinner... again.
A Bit Of Encouragement Goes A Long Way
As a homeschool mom, I've seen how important encouragement is for my boys. They truly thrive on it. When they're working on something difficult they're quick to give up unless I stand behind them acting as their cheerleader!We all need a bit of encouragement in our lives. It's been driven into our heads just how hard we need to be on ourselves. Instead, we should take a moment to pat ourselves on the back. Think about all the successes we've had! Fill your life with people that will do the same thing. If we thrived on encouragement as a child, think about how important it is in your life currently!What is one lesson your kids have taught you?
Are Your Kids Represented In The Books They Read?
Are Your Kids Represented In The Books They Read?
I want to raise my children in a world full of diversity and a love for anyone different than them.
Growing up, I was always a book lover. I couldn't wait for my teachers to pass out the scholastic book fair catalogs because I would race home and beg my mom for as many books as she could afford. Then I would eagerly wait to bring the books home and hole up in my room and read them all!
My favorite part was seeing myself in the stories. I would open a book like Ramona and see a little girl just like me. It was a comforting feeling.
My husband is just as big of a reader as I am. The first thing we had to buy when we got married were five book cases. Yes, you read that right... Five large bookcases. We even had to get rid of a box or two of books because we had a lot of doubles!
Reading was a passion we definitely wanted our children to share. I started buying books as soon as the pregnancy test turned up positive.
I quickly realized how difficult it was to find books that would represent our multiracial family and our biracial children. I wanted my children to share the same feelings I did when reading their books.After talking about it with my husband, we quickly made the decision to hunt down books with multiracial families and children of color. We wanted to fill their rooms with stories of little boys just like them.
When kids read books, they want to identify with the characters. Most of the books they read are an inspiration to them. It may inspire them to be adventurous, to stand up against the bad guys in the world, or even to be who they are.
By seeing kids that look like them, they start to let go of the limits they've put on themselves. They start to believe that they can do anything they set their minds to. I want my kids to dream as big as their little minds let them.
Are you looking for books with multiracial families? Here are some of our favorites.
Mixed Me by Taye Diggs
Mixed Me is all about Max, a biracial little boy. He is constantly answering questions about being mixed race. He loves that he's a perfect mix of mommy and daddy.
I Am Mixed by Garcelle Beauvais
I Am Mixed is all about twins Jay and Nia discovering how great it is to be a blend of multiple cultures.
Mixed Blessing: A Children's Book About a Multi-Racial Family by Marsha Cosman
Young kids don't realize they're biracial right away. It takes them time to understand that they're different. This book walks with a child as he discovers he's different than mommy and daddy in a fun and creative way.
What I Like About Me by Allia Zobel Nolan
This book celebrates the diversity in our world. Instead of feeling bad about looking different than your friends, this book tells you how special we all are!
I Am Flippish by Leslie V Ryan
This book is all about Sean and his experience when his friends start to ask him why he doesn't look like his daddy.
Marisol McDonald Doesn't Match by Monica Brown
Marisol is beautiful and doesn't match. She is proud of being biracial and won't let anyone put her in a box.-----
Fill your house with books that will remind your children how special they are to be different. Do you have a favorite book about interracial families?
*I get a small commission when you purchase these books off Amazon. Whether you're looking into the books to support me or find your children some amazing books.. you can't lose!*
Interracial Couples: The Feeling Of Never Doing It Well Enough
There are so many blessings in being an interracial couple. You get to present your children with multiple rich cultures, you get to dive into a new culture, you get to see how differently your spouse grew up, your family vacations are amazing because you get to visit places you both went as children, and your family becomes a strong unit because you're figuring out how to blend cultures together.However, along with all of the blessings, there are some difficulties as well. I've received so many emails and comments from all of you sharing a similar struggle...
The Struggle Intercultural Couples Face
You feel torn between two cultures. You want to blend these two rich cultures in your family, but it comes with a lot of outside pressure. Your family wants you to keep the traditions you grew up with and his family wants you to embrace his culture. It sounds easy enough, right?Then the comments start to roll in as you and your spouse start blending cultures the way you think is best. The wonderful comments that make you feel like complete garbage."Why are you doing it that way? That's not how we raised you to do it.""Why don't you tell her how she should be doing that?""Why do you let your child eat so much American food? Don't you want her to be raised with Indian food?""Why do you feed him such spicy food? We never gave you spicy food."These are some of the comments many of you have told me you get. As parents, you're probably already used to the outside pressure. There's always something you're not doing well enough or doing too much of. You can't win in the world's eyes because everyone has the idea that their way is the right way. This is definitely the same in blending cultures.It's almost like you're too (white) to be (Indian) and too (Indian) to be (white)... Switch it up and fill in the words that fit for you, but it's a real struggle intercultural couples are facing on a day to day basis.If you're not careful you're going to give into the pressure and start listening. All it will lead to is you feeling like a failure. Feeling like you can't do anything right.
It means you're embracing both of your cultures and creating a new culture within your family.3 Ways To Respond To Negative Criticism Over The Way You've Chosen To Blend CulturesTake it with a grain of salt.When you hear a comment remember everyone has their own opinions. You may agree with some comments and completely disregard others. Before you ignore the comment, ask yourself if you agree. If not, that's ok! People always think their way is best and have a hard time changing what they think. Just remember it's your family and you will figure out the right way to blend cultures for you. Let it go and move on.Some comments you get will be frustrating, but easy to ignore. Others feel like a knife in the heart. It's hard to hear anything about your parenting or your family. You tend to get defensive and ready to fight off anyone that has anything negative to say about them. If they dare criticise either of them, you hold onto it. You let it fester and turn into something much worse.Instead, you have to let it go and move on. Their will always be someone out there with something negative to say. You can't hold onto it all because it will ruin you and it's not worth your time.Remember there is no perfect way to blend cultures.I have talked with so many people in intercultural marriages and my favorite thing is to see how they blend cultures in their family. I'm going to tell you a little secret... They all do it differently! They're all breaking the mold on what's right. Blending cultures is a beautiful and difficult task, but it's always worth it. Don't let the outside pressure get to you.
How To Prepare For A Multicultural Family
How To Prepare For A Multicultural Family
While I was pregnant, I found myself daydreaming over my little baby. I wondered what he would look like, what type of personality he would have, and how my life was going to change forever.
As a mother expecting a multiracial baby there were a few other things that came to my mind as well. I started to wonder how I would raise a biracial child.
How would I be able to blend cultures in their life?
Would I be able to show them the best from both of their cultures?
Would it be possible to teach them about Indian culture as I was just learning myself?
I had to remind myself I had time to figure it all out. My baby wouldn't come out expecting me to have their whole life planned out. All my baby wanted was my love, cuddles, and kisses right away.
When people ask me how they can prepare for their own multicultural family I talk to them about three things that have helped my family tremendously.
Start Building A Foundation Of Communication
As I welcomed my newborn into my life, I quickly realized how important communication was in our family. Raising a biracial child means you're going to have to talk about everything from racial identity to what they want to be when they grow up.It's important to think about how you can create open lines of communication from the beginning. Obviously, you have a few years before these communication skills will mean anything to your little one, but the more you work on it now the more natural it will be as they get older.Often times, we think we have all the time in the world and end up waiting. Even as a toddler, your children need to know they can come to you with anything.Start building this foundation in your relationship as parents and then it will be natural to continue it with your children. Your child will look to their parents to figure out what good communication looks like and whether or not it will be important to them.
Establish A Family Identity
My husband and I started to develop a family identity as soon as we got together, but it changed when we had our baby.When you welcome a child into your family, your family identity starts to change again. Now, you and your partner aren't the only important things in your lives. Now, you have a beautiful little baby you have to consider in all decisions you make. It's important to think about your family identity early on.How will your family blend cultures?What values will your family pull from your culture?What traditions do you want to pass on to your child?As you think about these things, you will begin to develop a family identity. No two family identities look exactly the same and that's what's so beautiful about it. You have the freedom to make it what you want. As time goes on, you'll even notice things changing. Things that worked at the beginning may need to be different years from now.That's ok. Your family identity will change and mold into what you need at each season. The most important thing is to discuss your values, beliefs, culture, and traditions as time passes. Then you can hear what everyone needs in each season.
Bring Diversity Into Your Child's Life
As parents of a multiracial child, it's your job as a parent to teach them the beauty in diversity. Many children face a time in their life where they struggle over being different. They want to be like their friends and look like the people they love.It's your job to remind them diversity is beautiful. How can you do this? Show them how diverse the world is.While you're pregnant, be sure to think about diversity when you register for baby items. Look for books that show main characters of different ethnic backgrounds. Find baby dolls in an array of colors. As they grow up they should see diversity as the norm.It's important to be intentional in teaching your child about the world around them. The more they learn about the world around them, the more comfortable they'll be in their own identity.
Start Preparing Today
As you prepare for your multicultural family, think about how you can begin to think about all three of these things. They're going to help you as you prepare for your new baby and throughout their childhood.
Today, I'm joining up with four beautiful mommas to talk about multicultural motherhood!
What to Expect When You’re Expecting Multiracial Babies/ De Su Mama
Will My Child Look Like Me? Thoughts from a Multicultural Mom /Raising Whasians
Books for the Multicultural Family / Are Those Your Kids
Raising Multiracial Babies: Expectations vs Reality / Baby Making Machine
Don't Miss The Next Multicultural Motherhood Link Up and Follow Me Today!
Meet Molly: A Fellow Almost Indian Wife Pt. 2
A few weeks ago, Molly, a fellow Almost Indian Wife shared what it's been like to move to India. She gave us a glimpse into her experiences and her struggles. Today, she's sharing more about her journey!
What has it been like for you to settle into a new country, new home, and fully integrate yourself into Indian culture?
Personally, I have gone through a lot while living in this other culture/country. I’ve gone through happiness, depression, loneliness, and just about every feeling.I used to be a VERY independent person, I mean I did everything; the chores, the errands, shopping, grocery shopping you name it! But ever since coming to India, I have to depend on my husband Jim for EVERYTHING! And he’s so busy with the ministry, sometimes I don’t get to go out of the house for weeks at a time! Which of course put a strain on our marriage in the beginning. I want to learn how to drive, so I don’t need to depend on Jim so much, but Jim doesn’t want me to learn because he himself is so scared of driving.The driving in India is the worst! Just imagine no one following any traffic rules, that’s how it is. The driving is also on the left side, with the steering wheel on the right, which is something I will have to learn. You can look up on YouTube, “driving in India” to see what it’s like.Either way, going outside as a “white” girl is the worst experience. I’m talking about the actual Indian experience, like shopping on the street corners, and getting expensive things for really cheap. Even walking on the streets is dangerous, you are surrounded by beggars and little kids that come up to you for money. I was even chased for 5 minutes one time because a lady wanted more money than what I gave her!
Common things you will see on the road:
Also, because I'm White, Indians try their hardest to cheat and take advantage of me. When you shop on the streets, most of the time you can bargain with the salesman to get a better price, but with a white person...! They double and triple the cost of things!I can never go shopping without my sister in law because she knows the value of things and what the real cost is. They do have huge malls, and really nice stores where we live, and because of me, that is where we shop now. Jim’s family soon realized that they can’t take me shopping where they usually go because then they won’t get good prices.I just hate the thought of “bargaining” or “bribing.” It is something I am definitely not good at. So, just like America, we go to the more “fancier” shops where things have price tags on them. I always have to hide when there are vendors coming to the door, such as people selling clothes, bangles, jewelry because they will raise the prices.Even getting into an auto rickshaw I always have to stand behind Jim without them seeing me, then once he gets the cost of how much it will be, then I come around the corner and get in. I wish it wasn’t like that, but we certainly can’t afford triple the cost of everything just because of my skin color.I was definitely not prepared when we first moved to India. I just came from a place where you are friendly to people, can trust them to a certain extent, have your own privacy, people say their "please" and "thank you’s" etc. But here! It all went out the window. And since we came here for the ministry, there are certain things I should and shouldn’t do anymore. I can’t wear short sleeve shirts, no shorts, only full-length skirts, no tank tops, my arms have to be covered, I have to wear a shawl wherever I go, I can’t sit cross-legged in front of elders and my hair has to be covered in any church event.The clothing I have to wear is a chudidars or a sari (I can wear jeans only if Jim and I are going out, which isn’t very often). Also in church, the woman sits on one side while the men sit on the other.Indians are also very concerned about education. We have parents in our church who break their backs day and night as hard working laborers, just so that their child will get a good education. Education is everything to them, without it you're basically no one in society. Also, if their child has a chance to go abroad, it is a huge pride for the parents. I love hearing parents talk about their children who have gone to America because they seem to understand me more and the culture where I come from.In the end, my husband and I are here for God and the ministry. I have my moments of being homesick, there are good days and bad days. India is full of culture and diversity and I’m very blessed to be going through this experience. God has revealed a lot to me about myself and in our marriage. I feel that ever since living here, I’m able to understand Jim more because I’m living what he has lived his whole life before he met me and it has been tough but well worth the eye opener. We both love our cultures and that is one blessing our kids will have, a life of two very different worlds.
Do you have questions for Molly about her experiences? Ask her in the comment section!
Family Fridays #24 Josey
Do you to hear more stories like Josey's? Check out our other Family Friday posts!
4 Things To Do When You're Overwhelmed
My husband and I have been married for six years. We have packed those years full of beautiful memories, early mornings, teething babies, first homes, ridiculous arguments, big moves, tearful goodbyes, nights on the town, and so much fun. We knew we had a big adventure in store, but there was so much we didn't anticipate. If I could go back in time, there is a lot I would have told my 20 year old self about.
I would have warned myself...
to never let my children sleep in my bed because it would create a habit that would mean they would climb into my bed every single night at midnight for years to come...about the reactions some people may have when telling them about my intercultural relationship...that my husband will always try to diffuse arguments by trying to make me laugh...about the nights my husband and I would spend in the hospital after our baby had a seizure...to always use a timer when cooking so I wouldn't burn dinner... and to NEVER use American versions of Indian recipes because they will ALWAYS end up horrible. While we were dating, we anticipated all of the beautiful and life changing moments we would have together, but didn't think about the struggles we could face. The reality is that the hard times in our marriage have brought us even closer than the good times. They remind us that we are in this together and that with each other, we can handle anything. What about the hard times that feel overwhelming? It's easier to look back on the situation and see what good came from it, but what about when you're in the middle of it? I received an email from a reader recently and she was in the middle of a really hard season with her spouse. I asked her if I could share a bit about her story because I think so many of us can relate. They have been married for three years and they'e in the midst of figuring out how they can blend cultures in their marriage. They recently moved to India and she's feeling overwhelmed in a new city, surrounded by a new language, homesick, and feeling like her and her spouse can't agree on anything. She's happy with their decision to move, but is overwhelmed trying to make this transition, feel at home in India, and trying to blend their cultures in their new family. While you may not be in a new country like this reader, I'm sure many of you share similar struggles. Maybe you're spouse speaks a different language and you feel left when his family comes to visit because you don't understand what they're saying. Maybe most of the conversations between you and your spouse end in fighting because you can't agree on how to blend cultures. Either way that overwhelming feeling can be suffocating.I get it. It can feel like it will never end.
Here are 4 things you can do when you're overwhelmed in your relationship.
Take a deep breath.
Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath. When you're overwhelmed, you tend to focus on it all day. Instead, take a minute and remind yourself it will be ok. It may be really difficult right now, but it won't last forever. [tweetthis twitter_handles="@almstindianwife" display_mode="box"]When life gets overwhelming, take a deep breath and remember it won't last forever.[/tweetthis]
Get away.
Take a break from the situation. Don't let your struggles take over your life. Take some time to yourself and do something relaxing. This can be getting a coffee and reading a good book, taking a walk, or maybe even going to see a movie by yourself. You won't be able to make any progress on the situation is you're drained and exhausted. It's so important to step outside of the situation so you can regroup and come back to it refreshed. [tweetthis display_mode="box"]When life gets overwhelming, take a break and can come back refreshed & able to face the challenge[/tweetthis]
Date your spouse.
Marriage requires a lot of work. Don't lose sight of why you and your spouse were married in the first place. You'll experience struggles through out your marriage and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Often times, couples grow distant from each other in the midst of trouble. Just because you're fighting or going through a hard season doesn't mean you shouldn't love on your spouse. Decide together to put your difficult situation on pause and go out to dinner or a movie. You can deal with the situation when you get back. Just like the step before, it's good to take a break from the situation and regroup. You and your spouse need to remind each other that you're going through these struggles so you can face this struggle together. [tweetthis display_mode="box"]Just because you're having struggles in your marriage doesn't mean you shouldn't date your husband[/tweetthis]
Take it day by day.
Sadly, your problems usually won't be solved in a day. It takes time to figure out how to blend cultures, to feel at home in a new environment, etc. All you can do is take it day by day. Look at the progress you're making. Even the smallest amount of progress is a HUGE step forward. [tweetthis display_mode="box"]When you're facing a challenge, remember any progress is a HUGE step forward! Celebrate all successes![/tweetthis]
Quick! Pick A Culture!
Earlier this week, I read an article about mixed kids. It had funny little things they can all relate to. One of them was