How To Challenge Racism And Prejudice As A Family

Over the last eight years in my interracial marriage, my eyes have been open up to a new world.

I had no idea how sheltered I was in my own little bubble. I grew up in a white community, with a white family, and white friends.I loved everyone I met, so it wasn't an issue of any ill-feelings on my part. I simply didn't know a life outside my own. I never learned about cultures around the world other than the little bit they teach us in history class.It wasn't until I married my wonderful husband that I saw the harsh reality that racism exists. The fact that an entire people group could be stereotyped as one personality or one characteristic of an extremist. It's easier for society to clump people together rather than get to know the actual people involved.Even though you may have the same ethnic background as someone, by no way means your culture was the exact same growing up. Our culture is so much more than just our ethnicity. It's the way you grew up, your beliefs, whether or not you were the oldest in the family, the situations you've experienced, and everything that has shaped you to be the person you are today.

Racism and prejudice aren't hidden from society. It's out in the open every day.

We see it in the news.We see if when we walking in town and someone crosses the street just to avoid walking next to a man of color.We see it when people make a rude, stereotypical joke to a friend.We see it when people spew hateful, toxic things to people they've never even met.It's happening every day, all around you. Here's the problem. People either give excuses to why they did what they did or claim they didn't know any better. We're no longer living in a day and age where those excuses work. We are fighting for a better world for our kids. This fight means we have to stand up and say this is not ok. We have to challenge wrong thinking and start learning about those around us.

Let's start by learning a few definitions.

Racism: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.Prejudice: preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.Ignorance: lack of knowledge or information.Racism and prejudice are both learned behaviors. Through out our lives people have shaped what we believe. Maybe you grew up in a family that made racist remarks. Or maybe they lived in their bubble like I did growing up and didn't know better.

Either way, ignorance leads to both racism and prejudice.

So how can we stop it? What can we do to make sure our kids don't learn this hate?We can teach our kids. It starts as simple as that. We can help them to have a deep love for cultures around the world. We can remind them to ask questions when they don't know something rather than lay a stereotypical label on it.Remember, kids learn by example. You need to be the right example to them and challenge yourself. If you mess up, admit it to them and have a conversation about it. If you see someone in their life, whether it's a family member or someone in the media, call out bad behavior. Don't ignore it when it happens. If you do, your kids will be left trying to figure it out on their own.

How can you challenge racism, prejudice, and ignorance around you?

Three Reasons You Should Love Your Mother In Law

3 Reasons You Should Love Your Mother In Law

Oh, mother in laws.You know who they are. You fall in love with a man. Realize he’s the one. Then you meet his mother. You’re terrified because you know you have to impress her. You know you'll officially be in each other's lives forever and it needs to go well.Then you enter into a relationship full of ups and downs, bickering, laughter, and love. It’s easy to blame your mother in law for so many things, but that will change one day.I was recently at my friend's wedding and I melted during the mother-son dance. All I could think about was the fact that one day, I will have to give away three of my baby boys. Then we'll be transitioning into a new dynamic. It won’t just be my husband, little boys, and I anymore.

This is the first time I’ve thought about blending families from this perspective.

Now, I’m wondering who has it worse: the mother or daughter in law. The daughter in law is coming into a new family and has to navigate her way through a relationship with her mother in law. The mother in law has to step back and watch a new woman come into her baby boy’s life. Her relationship with her son changes and she has to navigate her way through both relationships.It’s easy to look at this stage in life and blame the mother in law for everything that goes sideways. That all changes the moment you look into your little boy’s eyes and he asks you if you will marry you one day.

Then you realize you will be the mother in law one day.

After my little three year old proposed to me, I had to explain to him he will fall in love with a girl one day and marry her. Do you know what he told me? He said I love you, mama, can I marry you?Yes. Yes, you can.Here are a few reasons you should remember how great your mother in law is...

She raised the man you fell in love with.

This woman raised the man you love. She taught him his first words, how to read, how to boil a pan of water, how to speak to women, and how to be a respectful man.

She handled all of the difficult years so you could reap the benefits.

She dealt with the endless teething nights, temper tantrum toddlerhood, and rebellious teenager years. Her consistency and hard work paved the way so you could have the sweet and gentle man he is today.

She trained him to treat you like a queen.

It’s because of her that he treats you so well. She taught him how to treat women by being a good example. He loved her and she taught him how to show her love by respecting her, loving her, and taking care of her.This woman is the reason you have this man you love. Take a second to realize how blessed you are to have your mother in law. You wouldn’t be where you are without her.

Share one story about you and your mother in law!

30 Ways To Spice Up Date Night!

Date night. The one time during the week where you can put everything aside and have some fun!When my husband and I first got together our date nights were always exciting. We were always thinking up new adventurous ideas. A few kids later and date night became just another thing we couldn't get to. We were so busy with the kids and work during the day that the idea of doing something extravagant (or anything other than binge watching something on Netflix) felt exhausting.It took us a while to realize just how important date nights are to our relationship.

This post is sponsored by Groupon Goods. As always, all opinions are my own. 

Do We Really Have To Go On A Date

Parents joke about date nights all the time. They start to see it as something they used to have time for, but now it's not possible.Date nights are a luxury.In reality date nights are vital to a healthy relationship. Couples can get so focused on work, finances, and their kids that they forget to work on their relationship. Date nights help couples to keep the spark alive.Over the years, you and your loved one will change and date nights help you to grow together. It's an opportunity to talk, encourage each other, show each other that you're fighting for your relationship, get out of your day to day routine, and have fun!

30 Ways To Spice Up Date Night

Groupon Goods is here to help spice up date nights! They have countless deals to make sure  you and your loved one can get out and have fun each week! Instead of just doing dinner and a movie, try something new! Here are 30 things Groupon Goods can give you a great deal on!My husband and I always check out our Groupon Goods app to find local deals! It pushes us out of our normal date night plans and helps us save money too!

1. Tour your city
2. Wine tasting
3. Helicopter tour
4. Planetarium
5. Go bowling
6. Ice skating
7. Art lessons
8. Attend a concert
9. Go to a museum
10. Go to a fun restaurant
11. Get drinks
12. Go dancing
13. Brewery
14. Watch a football game
15. Try a workout class
16. Relax at a spa
17. Get a makeover
18. Go shopping
19. Comedy club
20. Cooking class
21. Beer tasting
22. Zoo
23. Dinner cruise
24. Food tour
25. Rock Climbing
26. Kickboxing
27. Jaz club
28. Couples massage
29. Watch a play
30. Dance classes

Which one would you choose to spice up your date night this week!?

How To Keep My Culture Alive While Living Abroad

I'm very excited to join up with Lauren from English Wife Indian Life to share our stories. We're sharing how keep culture alive in our multicultural families. I share how we keep my husband's Indian culture alive in the US and she's sharing how she's keeping her English culture alive while living in India.

How To Keep My Culture Alive While Living Abroad

When I married an Indian, I remember thinking how lucky our children will be to belong to two extremely different cultures. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I spent hours researching baby names that would fall easily from both tongues. Then I started to worry, my own cultural identity has been questioned numerous times, from “you should be more Indian now you live in India” to “it seems you are not proud to be British anymore”.Will my child have a similar experience? Will my child feel British at all growing up in India?India is the country I have called home for three years. Since leaving England to start a new life with the man I love, I have been learning about Indian values and traditions. In fact, I made it my mission to learn as much as I possibly could so I could understand my new family and the world around me. There are so many amazing things I want my son to learn and enjoy from Indian culture, but what about his other culture?I thought about the ways I have managed to maintain my culture in India, what parts are so important to me that I couldn’t leave them behind when I took off from Heathrow. I don’t want to force either culture down his throat, but I do want to give him the opportunity to experience both sides of his heritage.

Enjoying a Full English Breakfast

The food we eat says a lot about who we are, our lifestyle and our heritage. In a couple of weeks, I going to start weaning my son, which has put the emotional aspect of food in the spotlight. I can’t predict what his tastes will be, but I would hate for him to have the same problem I have.I’m so attached to English food that I daydream about it! It has a huge sway on my emotional wellbeing when I am unable to indulge in cheese or bread. Finding quality cheese and bread in the city I live has been a struggle. I want my son to enjoy a variety of cuisines, give him as much choice as I can. I would hate to be visiting England and have to make something separate for him because he has the same emotional attachment to Indian food as I do to English food.

Celebrating Christmas, Easter and Pancake Day

Every Christmas morning I woke up with a stocking on the end of my bed, stuffed with small presents from Father Christmas. If we were living in the West, we would be surrounded by Christmas, but living in India, it’s my job to cultivate the spirit.I don’t want to lie to my child about Father Christmas, for starters we don’t even have a chimney, but I don’t want to lose one of the very few family traditions I have (especially when my husband’s family have hundreds). I still remember how disenchanted I felt with the entire world when I found out Father Christmas wasn’t real. It broke my heart. I’ve thought about this extensively (probably too much) and found a solution.There is a ten day Hindu festival celebrating the elephant God, Lord Ganesh. The tradition is that families bring a clay idol of Lord Ganesh into their home, bringing his spirit into the house, and enjoy their time with him. I thought of Father Christmas, and he is the symbol for the spirit of Christmas (jolly, giving etc.). I’m sure my children will understand it this way, and avoid the minor breakdown I had when I was about seven.

Please and Thank You

When I first moved to India, everyone laughed at me for saying “thank you”. Hysterical laughter that made me feel uncomfortable and insecure. Still, I continued to say thank you, it’s not only a habit. It’s a compulsion. It’s not that Indians are rude, concept of politeness is vastly different in India. I would say by Indian standards, I can be (unintentionally) very rude sometimes. I want to encourage my son to say please and thank you, avoiding the disapproving looks when we visit England.

Making the Most of Trips to Britain

We may not have as many traditions and festivals as India, but our little island has beauty, history and fun things to do. It dawned on me as I was flying to India, my son’s childhood will be drastically different from my own . There are so many things I remember with great fondness, and I want him to have the opportunity to experience them too. Therefore, I have promised myself that when we do visit England, we will not waste a moment.

Bring my Culture to India for my Son

When I started to write this post, I thought about the ways I have brought British culture to India and it made my stomach turn. Britain ruled India for almost 100 years before India achieved freedom in 1947. After all the bloodshed, enslavement and stolen wealth, the British retreated after the independence movement, known for its nonviolent philosophy. The actions of some of my ancestors in India were awful and inhumane. I feel ashamed when I read about the brutalities and injustice.That being said, I believe that people cannot be blamed for the actions of their ancestors, religion, nationality or race. It’s also important we don’t wipe away history from our consciousness, to learn from mistakes and treat everyone equally, regardless of race, religion, gender or nationality.In the end, that is what I hope most for my son (and any future children we are blessed with), that they are kind, open minded and respect all living things.

Be sure to follow Lauren on English Wife Indian Life

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My Multicultural Family: What I've Learned From My Traveling Spouse

While most families are packing up to head out of town for the summer, my family is getting ready for some epic staycations! My husband, Joel travels for work and summers tend to be one of his busiest times of the year for him.As I'm sure you can already imagine, having a traveling spouse is hard. I'd love to say I handle it all perfectly and that things run smoothly while he's gone... but no. That's definitely not the case. Instead the dishes pile up, the house gets cluttered, clean clothes end up in my closet full of other clean clothes (not folded, but piled nicely in the corner), dinner consists of chicken nuggets or cereal, and bed time is strictly at 7 every night so momma can get a break.It's not all bad.

Having a traveling spouse has taught me a lot.

It's taught me to be more comfortable with myself.

My husband and I got married when we were really young. I was only twenty! The reason I will never forget how old I was is that we went on a cruise to the Bahamas and I was so excited there wasn't a drinking age there!Ahh, the little things that bring us pleasure.I quickly learned to depend on my husband. He's an amazing man and has always taken care of our family, even when that consisted of the two of us. I have always been more comfortable with him by my side. It was really hard when he started traveling because I just wanted to stay home. I didn't want to go to events or get togethers with out him. I felt uncomfortable being alone.Then I realized how wrong that was. I didn't want to be so dependent on my spouse that I couldn't do things without him. He was always encouraging me to go and one day I finally listened. Sure, it was uncomfortable at first, but then I gained a new sense of pride and independence.My husband will always bring out the best in me, but that doesn't mean I'm not my best when he's not there. I will always be me whether he's there or not. Having him travel so much has taught me to challenge and love myself more.

It's ok to not be supermom every day.

While my husband is away for work I'm doing a lot. I have to help my three year old cope with daddy being gone (he struggles the most), take care of the house, take care of the dog, do everything needed to be done for the kids, make three meals a day, keep everything organized, fix broken things around the house, take on things my husband normally does, try to live frugally while he's away, and try to find time for myself.Doing it all isn't just hard, it's impossible.I've tried. I've tried doing everything at 100 percent and I broke down. I felt like a failure because I could barely get things done and the things I did do weren't done well. Then a very wise friend asked me a very wise question.Why are you trying to be supermom?I wanted to do everything perfectly and let everyone know I could do it. I could be an amazing mom while my husband was away and I didn't need help from anyone. Instead I found out just how much my family was suffering from my own pride.No one expected me to do everything. No one expected everything to be perfect. It was me. I was the one that wanted to do it all.My family became so much healthier when I stopped trying to be supermom. Now, I'm honest when I can't do something. I spend every morning looking at my to do list and ask myself what actually needs to get done today.This has lead to a closet full of unfolded clean clothes, chicken nuggets for dinner more often than not, sticking closer to the house to avoid getting everyone ready, and me asking for a lot of help. Guess what... It's also made for a much happier family.Now, my family talks about how to make things easier while daddy is away. We've landed on chore charts for the kids, snack boxes so snacks are figured out ahead of time, simple schedules, and mommy time.

All my kids really want is for momma to make time for them

My kids really don't care if I fill up our days with crazy adventures, perfectly clean houses, extravagant meals, and that I do it all on my own. All they really want is quality time. They would rather me make more time for them than to spend more time cleaning or stressing out about things around then house.My husband has talked to them a lot about how much faster things go when everyone contributes. Now, we make it a big game at night. We spend fifteen minutes and see who can clean up the most. Then we have more time to read books together and chat about our day.It's crazy how long it took for me to realize this. It helps me give myself a break on the hard days. All my kids really want is me.

Does your spouse travel? What has it taught you?

The Wife You Become After Having Kids

The hardest part about adding kids to a marriage is learning how to balance it all. You want to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter and the list goes on and on. Whether you work in the home as a stay at home mom, or are employed outside your home,  you know that there are some aspects of being a wife that change after having kids. I’ve highlighted just a few:

The wife whose  fashion sense suffers.

I have always loved fashion and been a fashion junkie. I subscribed to beauty boxes, read fashion magazines & followed celebrity gossip just so I could see what everyone was wearing. After a few evenings of sleep deprivation and a C-section, the last thing on my mind was what I was wearing. When it was a concern again, I struggled to find things that fit my new body. Thankfully, I have a husband who encouraged me through the process until I felt like myself again. 

The wife who runs out of things to cook. 

Balancing motherhood and being a wife gets a little tricky at dinnertime, one of the busiest times of the day. If it didn’t go in the Crockpot the evening before, or you’re too tired to run to the store, dinner tends to be a hodgepodge of what’s available at home. Sometimes it’s a great experience, and other times…well…you’re just glad everyone was fed. Your husband gets annoyed by all the time you spend on Pinterest, until you make an amazing dinner inspired by one of the recipes you actually cooked!

 The wife who craves alone time. 

Everyone mom gets this one! Being a mom and wife is fantastic; the pros definitely outweigh the cons. However, having alone time is like setting a reset button. Dealing with the everyday rush, accidents, tantrums & routines can make any sane person crazy. There’s something about a little quiet time that makes you start thinking rationally again. 

The wife whose love language may change. 

Before having kids, my love languages were acts of service & quality time. Now that I’m a mom, I’m always thinking of my family when I’m going shopping, even if the trip is supposed to be for me. So it’s a nice feeling when my husband takes the time to buy me a gift, one that I’d like for myself, but am too busy buying for my family to purchase. 

The wife who forgets her purse. 

Can I tell you how many times I left my wallet in the diaper bag? Really, I’m ashamed to admit it. It doesn’t help that I drive 80 miles a day to work. Thankfully I’ve never done that on an empty tank of gas. Even the most type A, organized mom forgets her purse (or wallet) on occasion. 

The wife who chooses sleep over sex. 

It’s not that we don’t want to have sex, it’s just that if we get more sleep, we’ll feel like having sex. The more children we have=less sleep. It’s a vicious cycle. A date night every now and then usually helps the mood. 

The wife who goes above and beyond for her family. 

Despite the craziness of family life, you love every second of it. You put yourself last to make your family a priority. Hats off to you! 

Be sure to follow Diedre and stay updated on her latest posts!Blog/Facebook

5 Steps For An Intercultural Relationship

Whether your brand new to your intercultural relationship of you've been around the block a few times, I have 5 steps for you. These steps will help you to get closer to your loved one, understand who they are, develop a plan to blend cultures, and make sure your improving where you can.Haven't you ever said to yourself, "If only I had a guide for all of this!?"Well, today I'm giving you that guide and I know you'll love it!

5 Steps For YOUR Intercultural Relationship

 

Get To Know Each Other

If you want to figure out how to blend cultures and start your family together, you need to know each other. Take time to get to know who you're together with. I don't just mean their favorite color and what they like to watch on tv.You need to understand their culture. Their culture has shaped who they are and the decisions they'll instinctively make. Ask them questions about how they grew up, what they value from their culture, what they've struggled with in their culture, etc. All of this will help you to understand each other.

Develop A Family Culture

Now, it's time to develop a family culture. When you and your loved one start your relationship, you're starting a family. It doesn't matter if you have kids or not, you're a family. When you start a family, you have to develop your own family culture and identity.The best part is this culture will be from both of you. You need to sit down and talk about what's important from both of your cultures and decide how you can bring them together in one family. The best part is you don't have to worry about making the absolute best plan ever!While making a plan is vital, you can change it up when you need to. The idea behind the plan is to know before hand what's important and you can be more intentional in bringing it into your family.

Communicate

The lines of communication need to be open at all times. As you get to know each other, you'll feel more comfortable talking and discussing how your relationship is doing. Conflict is natural and will come up through your relationship. It will come up when trying to figure out how to blend cultures, when dealing with culture shock, and pretty much any time during your relationship. It's normal.The most important thing is that you learn how to communicate with each other so you can learn how to use your conflict to get closer.You also need to be able to discuss how you feel about blending cultures. Are you comfortable with how the blending is happening? Do you feel like one culture is taking over? These are important things you need to talk about through out your relationship.

Re-evaluate

While the plan you develop may work great right now, you need to be prepared that it will change. You and your loved one have to constantly re-evaluate how your plan is working. If it's not working like you thought or you'd like something to change, tweak it.It's going to change naturally over time because the longer you're together, you'll notice you're both changing. You're growing together and getting closer and your circumstances may change as well.You should be scheduling time to talk about all of these things at least once a month.

Give Each Other Grace

Grace. Your relationship needs to be filled with grace. You are bound to mess up or hurt your loved one's feelings and the other way around. The biggest thing is to remember you need to give each other grace. Blending cultures takes time. Even if you're been together for years, you aren't mind readers and things just happen.All you can do is be sure to talk about it, let them know how you feel, and give each other grace. Let your loved one know they have room to mess up and you'll still love them.--Intercultural relationships are beautiful, but they take a lot of patience and grace for each other. I can promise you one thing, it's always worth it. The more you and your loved one work at your relationship, the better it will be.

My Favorite Intercultural Posts

One of my favorite things to talk about with all of you is intercultural relationships. My family and I have experienced things we never expected in the last six years. Our intercultural experiences have even taught all of you a few things. Here are a few of my top favorites! 12 Things Parents Of Mixed Race Kids HearPeople have no shame when it comes to asking strangers personal questions. They range from funny to I can't believe you just asked me that! Check out this post to hear some of the questions we've been asked and I'm sure you have been asked more than half!Can You Prevent A Dominant Culture From Taking Over In An Intercultural RelationshipWhen you fall in love with your loved one, blending cultures isn't something you think about right away. It comes later and then you have to figure out how to blend two distinct cultures. Sometimes it's easy, but it's usually something that requires a lot of work. It's common for one culture to dominate in a family if you're not careful. Here are a few things you can do to prevent that. Am I Racist Against My Own CultureAfter marrying my husband, I fell in love with Indian culture. It's vibrant, beautiful, and all about food and family. As I fall in love with it more, I've been accused of being racist against my own culture. I didn't realize my love for one culture would portray racism against my own. Culture Clash Wednesday #5 Personal SpaceIf you follow me on Instagram, you have all seen the pictures of my kids touching my face. I. Can't. Stand. It. It used to be adorable and heart warming. Now I get bloody noses because they sneak into my bed and slap me in the face in the middle of the night, trying to "cuddle" my face. If parenting has taught me anything, it's that I no longer have the right to personal space... 3 Signs You're In An Intercultural RelationshipDid you know you're in an intercultural relationship? Really, you are. You may not believe me, but after reading this post, you will see how true it is. There are three major signs that will guarantee you are in one. How To Survive A Relationship With Your Mother Or Daughter In LawOften times, we focus on how difficult our mother in laws can be, but have you ever thought about how it must be for them? As a mother of three boys, I can't even imagine how I will be when they bring girls home. Much less marry them! Read this post and try to put yourself in their shoes. Too White To Be Indian And Too Indian To Be WhiteAs a biracial adult and as a part of an intercultural marriage, I find myself being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, I am trying to appease Indian culture and traditions, but on the other I'm trying to appease a culture I grew up with. Can you relate to this? If so, this post is for you. 

Which post is your favorite?

Family Fridays #24 Josey

Happy Friday everyone! Josey is joining us this week to tell us all about her family!

 

 

Hi! I'm Josey, a sarcastically dry, fun loving and hard working kind of gal. The kind who is immediately puzzling and brings to mind one unanimous question "where is that girl from?" Now, if you have any color of skin that isn't white (or if you have a non-local accent) then you know what that question means, you know before the person can even finish the phrase. They aren't wondering about where you grew up, really, they just want to stick a label on you so they can put you in a category and continue in the social exchange. 'Where are your from' translates to 'what's your ethnicity" and "what do your parents look like?' So nice. Who cares? Well, everyone does, and well, it does matter (a little), so I will tell you.

 

I grew up in Washington state and grew up in a fairly white culture. My husband grew up in Minnesota and his culture was fairly similar (actually maybe a bit more diverse). However, my husband has white skin and I don't. I have a very confusing color of brown that makes sure no one can ever guess my ethnicity correctly. It immediately makes me seem foreign or well traveled, or both, or either. Regardless of the exterior, I grew up without any connections to my skin color (as far as cultural traditions go like Indian, Native American, African American, Samoan or any other bronzed skin beauties), so I never thought about this idea of 'interracial' or even 'race'. We are all people, aren't we?

 

 

At first, I was severely attracted to my husband's devilish smirk, his striking blue eyes, and his ability to play it cool in every situation. It certainly didn't mattered what color he was, and since I, as aforementioned, have no non-white cultural ties, there wasn't an issue of what kind of 'Christmas do you celebrate', or 'would you be willing to convert?' We met at school in the second coldest place in America; Grand Forks, ND. But our relationship has been anything but cold. He's the best friend I have ever had and I can guarantee that our love will last past infinity. He's a bit more reserved (think James Bond at a bar) and I am more, uhh, opposite (think if Rebel Wilson and Jennifer Lawrence had a baby, and it was dark skinned). Our love seriously rocks. And it has nothing to do with the color of our skin (although we do think one another is beautiful and handsome). 

 

What makes our family unique has really nothing to do with how people perceive our interracial status, but it has everything to do with how our lives are intermingled together. How we take the best bits of one another's character and personality, mimicking each other, compromising our differences and at the same time maintaining the essence of who we are as individuals. 

 

Though we did celebrate holidays differently before, now that we are we it is so important to the both of us that our lives are combined and melded. Which means change! Everybody loves change, right? Certainly any family blending together has got to be open to it, because regardless of your race, your heritage, or your color, families are meant to be celebrated. And so, that's me! In a nutshell, a shell that's easily cracked into. My biggest advice for two people attracted to one another, who happen to be on separate ends of the skin color wheel: love each other for who you are. And hopefully, eventually, our world will adapt and change along with the rest of us and soon color will be a thing of the past and we can finally shed that label of interracial and race, and begin to see people for who they are not what they appear to be.

 

Do you to hear more stories like Josey's? Check out our other Family Friday posts!

4 Things To Do When You're Overwhelmed

My husband and I have been married for six years. We have packed those years full of beautiful memories, early mornings, teething babies, first homes, ridiculous arguments, big moves, tearful goodbyes, nights on the town, and so much fun. We knew we had a big adventure in store, but there was so much we didn't anticipate. If I could go back in time, there is a lot I would have told my 20 year old self about. 

I would have warned myself...

to never let my children sleep in my bed because it would create a habit that would mean they would climb into my bed every single night at midnight for years to come...about the reactions some people may have when telling them about my intercultural relationship...that my husband will always try to diffuse arguments by trying to make me laugh...about the nights my husband and I would spend in the hospital after our baby had a seizure...to always use a timer when cooking so I wouldn't burn dinner... and to NEVER use American versions of Indian recipes because they will ALWAYS end up horrible. While we were dating, we anticipated all of the beautiful and life changing moments we would have together, but didn't think about the struggles we could face. The reality is that the hard times in our marriage have brought us even closer than the good times. They remind us that we are in this together and that with each other, we can handle anything. What about the hard times that feel overwhelming? It's easier to look back on the situation and see what good came from it, but what about when you're in the middle of it? I received an email from a reader recently and she was in the middle of a really hard season with her spouse. I asked her if I could share a bit about her story because I think so many of us can relate. They have been married for three years and they'e in the midst of figuring out how they can blend cultures in their marriage. They recently moved to India and she's feeling overwhelmed in a new city, surrounded by a new language, homesick, and feeling like her and her spouse can't agree on anything. She's happy with their decision to move, but is overwhelmed trying to make this transition, feel at home in India, and trying to blend their cultures in their new family. While you may not be in a new country like this reader, I'm sure many of you share similar struggles. Maybe you're spouse speaks a different language and you feel left when his family comes to visit because you don't understand what they're saying. Maybe most of the conversations between you and your spouse end in fighting because you can't agree on how to blend cultures. Either way that overwhelming feeling can be suffocating.I get it. It can feel like it will never end.

Here are 4 things you can do when you're overwhelmed in your relationship.  

Take a deep breath. 

Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath. When you're overwhelmed, you tend to focus on it all day. Instead, take a minute and remind yourself it will be ok. It may be really difficult right now, but it won't last forever. [tweetthis twitter_handles="@almstindianwife" display_mode="box"]When life gets overwhelming, take a deep breath and remember it won't last forever.[/tweetthis]

Get away. 

Take a break from the situation. Don't let your struggles take over your life. Take some time to yourself and do something relaxing. This can be getting a coffee and reading a good book, taking a walk, or maybe even going to see a movie by yourself. You won't be able to make any progress on the situation is you're drained and exhausted. It's so important to step outside of the situation so you can regroup and come back to it refreshed.  [tweetthis display_mode="box"]When life gets overwhelming, take a break and can come back refreshed & able to face the challenge[/tweetthis]

Date your spouse. 

Marriage requires a lot of work. Don't lose sight of why you and your spouse were married in the first place. You'll experience struggles through out your marriage and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Often times, couples grow distant from each other in the midst of trouble. Just because you're fighting or going through a hard season doesn't mean you shouldn't love on your spouse. Decide together to put your difficult situation on pause and go out to dinner or a movie. You can deal with the situation when you get back. Just like the step before, it's good to take a break from the situation and regroup. You and your spouse need to remind each other that you're going through these struggles so you can face this struggle together. [tweetthis display_mode="box"]Just because you're having struggles in your marriage doesn't mean you shouldn't date your husband[/tweetthis]

Take it day by day. 

Sadly, your problems usually won't be solved in a day. It takes time to figure out how to blend cultures, to feel at home in a new environment, etc. All you can do is take it day by day. Look at the progress you're making. Even the smallest amount of progress is a HUGE step forward. [tweetthis display_mode="box"]When you're facing a challenge, remember any progress is a HUGE step forward! Celebrate all successes![/tweetthis]

Culture Clash Wednesday #8 Taste Buds

Last week, I offered three more entries into my Ultimate Spice Giveaway by taking a survey (only a few more days to enter!). This survey helps me see what all of you have enjoyed on my blog and what you want to see more of. There was a HUGE consensus.... You all love culture clash Wednesdays!! I'm so glad you are all enjoying because it has been such a fun series!This week were talking about taste buds. I think many of you will be able to relate to this one.. Food is one of the biggest passions in our house. This could be because we have an almost Indian family or because it's full of boys. I've always heard the way to a boys heart is through his stomach and I can tell you it's the same for Indians! We're always experimenting and trying new dishes! However, a problem always comes up... Can you guess what it is?? My husband and I can never agree if it's too spicy or too bland! Usually, I will love a dish and he says it's a little bland and needs more heat. On the other hand, he will have a dish and love it. All while I'm sweating bullets because it's so freaking spicy! Now, our kids are joining in on the fight. Liam thinks pepper is too spicy and Levi can handle his spicy food. This is probably why my husband loves visiting his family. It's typically a weekend full of spicy Indian food. My first few years in the family, I would get teased because I'd always have a glass of milk with dinner! I'd get the biggest glass possible because I knew how ridiculously spicy everything was going to be! It's been six years now and I never pour a glass of milk with dinner. Is this because I'm almost Indian and can handle my Indian food or is it because my pride kicked in and I won't ever let them know how badly my mouth is on fire? The world will never know... For the most part, we all love spicy food. It's just the level of heat we don't agree on. We've learned a few tricks over the years to make sure we're all in love with dinner. We've all trained our taste buds to handle some heat. We serve dinner and all sit down at the dinner table. If you look at our table, we will always have multiple kinds of hot sauce. We have hot sauce for every type of food we make too! We have hot pickled vegetables for Indian food, Cholula for Mexican food, and Sriracha for Asian food. This way we can all add the right amount of spice and I don't die from it!

Do you experience this in your house? Are you the one that likes heat?

What Do I Do If My Loved Ones Family Hates Me?

In a perfect world, your relationships would be supported by everyone around you. They would only see the love you have for your loved one and nothing else would matter. Instead people get held up on race, family background, and just about anything that makes you imperfect in their eyes. So, what do you do? What do you do if your relationship isn't supported by the people you love. What if your own family doesn't support your relationship? Do you let their opinions prevent you from being with the person you love? What if that choice means you or your loved one will get disowned from your family? 

Make your choice together. 

You need to sit down with your loved one and make the decision. Being in an intercultural relationship comes with it's challenges. These challenges are different for each family, but none of those challenges can compare to the love you have for one another. However, an un-supporting family can be destructive in a relationship.You both need decide if it's worth it. If it is then grab each other by the hand and face life together. You have to stand together otherwise the challenges can tear your relationship apart. You need to support each other.All you can do is trust that they will see the love you have for each other and grow to accept it. At the end of the day it's their choice to accept your relationship or not. It won't be you that changes their mind. They have to choose to be open to your intercultural relationship. You can't let their unwillingness prevent you from loving each other. Family is extremely important and I'm not saying throw your family away. What I am saying is that you can't choose how people respond. All you can do is be willing to fight for your family to accept your relationship. 

Take it one day at a time.

Sometimes the challenges that can come with an intercultural relationship are overwhelming. You can get lost in it and lose sight of what's important. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Remember you love each other and that love is what's made everything worth it. Take your relationship with your family or your new family day by day. Just be yourself. Take every smile they give you, every nice comment, or any attention they pay to you as a success. It's one more positive experience with them that you can put under your belt. Try to let go of the negative experiences with them. They aren't worth remembering or wasting your time on. Instead try to build on the positive moments. 

You're enough. 

The biggest thing you need to focus on is that you are enough for each other. You're in this relationship because you are more than enough for one another. Don't let your in laws or your family's feelings about your relationship make you think you aren't enough. Often times, the problem isn't you. It's the idea of someone or something they didn't expect. They either expected someone within their race, religion, or similar family backgrounds. They don't know how to react to something different so they turn it into anger towards you. Don't let this drag you down.You are enough. Your relationship is worth any challenges that may come up because you love each other. Hold onto that love and let it change people. 

Have you experienced similar struggles? What advice can you share with us?

Off-Beat Marriage Interview

I'm very excited to share my interview I did with Off Beat Marriage. It is a great blog that shares stories and advice for marriages; especially unique marriages. I've read so many amazing stories from different intercultural couples on there blog. I'm so happy I'm able to share my story on there as well. Do you think I always had a desire to be in an intercultural relationship? What compromises have we made in our marriage? How did my husband's family react to our relationship? What have my husband and I learned from each other's cultures?Check out my interview today and find the answers and see what makes our story off beat. 

An Imperfect Marriage: Should We Put Our Spouse First?

This man. We’ve been together for almost six years. Looking back over the last six years amazes me. I can’t believe we have fit so much into such a small time. We’ve moved around and lived in two different states, had three beautiful sons, purchased a home, and are about to sell it so we can get something that fits our growing family better.

 

We’ve learned so much about each other and life. 

 

Marriage is hard work. We’ve told each other sorry hundreds of times, said I love you thousands of times, hurt each other, and made each other extremely happy. I don’t regret any of our hard times. Those hard times got us to the place we are now. My husband is my best friend. He’s taught me so much and loved me unconditionally. 

 

I recently realized something I should have known the day I said, I do. It probably would have saved us many hardships. My husband cannot be everything for me. He has to be second. God has to be first. 

 

My husband and I are two imperfect people with imperfect pasts. We’re sinners. We have sinned countless times and there are consequences to those sins. We can’t expect each other to fulfill every single thing we need. The only one that can do that is God. He is perfection. He won’t ever fail us, leave us, betray us, hurt us, or disappoint us. 

 

If we hold onto this truth, we can have grace for our spouse. We will stop expecting them to be perfect and we can fully depend on God. 

 

I want my children to see my marriage and learn something from it. Don’t we all want that? Don’t we all want to teach our children something valuable; something that can save them from hardships? 

 

Here are a few things I want to teach my children from my marriage. 

 

God has to be first.

 

It’s so easy to expect the impossible from our spouse. We want them to be perfect and never fail us. It’s not possible. Expecting this will only lead to problems in your marriage. It also takes away our reason to depend on Christ. If our spouse was perfect, we wouldn’t need a perfect God. 

 

Apologize.

 

You and your spouse will hurt each other. It’s inevitable because we’re all sinners. When it happens, you need to apologize. It’s never easy. My husband and I have had so many fights where we wait on the other to apologize first. My pride has gotten in the way so many times and my husband was often first. Or we would go to bed angry and forget about it by the next day. It seemed like a great idea. We’d wake up and our anger would have passed. However, we never ended up dealing with the things that caused us to fight. Apologize frequently, every time, and humbly. 

 

Fight openly.

 

Fighting brings out the worst in you. Being the incredibly “perfect” person I am, I tend to yell or say ridiculous things when I fight. Often times, people try to keep their fights to themselves. You will be mid fight, someone will come over, and you will act like everything is fine. Now, I’m not saying every fight is meant to happen in public. What I am saying is don’t put on a show for people. If someone is coming over and you’re mid fight, say I love you and agree to discuss it later. We also fight in front of our family and children sometimes. This holds us accountable to what we are saying and teaches us how to communicate. Not to mention, a few little boys to remind us when we’re being mean to each other. Liam has told Joel and I to be kind to each other many times. It always stops us dead in our tracks, prompts us to apologize to each other and Liam, and realize we’re constantly teaching our children with our actions. 

 

Marriage is tough work and such a blessing from God. As I’m learning to trust God fully, I’ve found myself falling more in love with my husband. 

 

What is the best advice you have received for your relationship? Share it with us in the comment section. 

My Intercultural Love Story- Guest Post

I'm very excited to be partnering with Madh Mama this morning and sharing my Intercultural Love Story. Madh Mama is one of my new favorite blogs. She has a very similar story to my own. She married her East Indian husband, had an adorable little girl, and is now navigating life through two cultures. On her blog, she shares Intercultural Love Stories and her experience in Indian culture. Make sure you check her out.Check out her blog this morning to see my story. She asked me questions about my husband, family, how we met, and a handful of others. Heres a little peak.  

Go To Sleep!

My husband travels for work a lot. At first, I hated nights without him. I thought every sound was an intruder coming to get me. I’d send our dog out to check the rooms and even outside. Don’t even get me started on what would happen when my dog would bark because she heard something outside! Nights were the worst. I couldn’t wait for them to be over. I’d even have my kids sleep with me for comfort. Yes, I know a little one year old couldn’t save me from bad guys, but hey. 

 

As my kids have started to get a little bigger and I have gotten used to Joel’s trips, nights have become relaxing. My boys go to bed early and I get a good four hours to my self each night. Sometimes I fill it with a good book or binge watching a show while I crochet. 

 

When Joel gets home our nights change. I start to notice we both have our nightly routines. Most of our routines blend until the dreaded, let’s go to sleep moment. I’m always ready to go to sleep before him! He takes forever to fall asleep and will read or watch TV until he’s tired. This can be hours after I’ve gone to sleep. 

 

If you have kids or are busy all day, you might be like me and love going to bed in quiet. I hear my crazy kids all day long and I love sitting in peace and quiet. Joel on the other hand has to sleep with noise while on trips because he doesn’t like how lonely the road can be at times.  

 

So you see my dilemma… 

 

Usually I whine and complain until he turns off the TV. Healthy and mature I know. Lately, my sleep depravation has caused a solution. I’m so tired at night that I end up falling asleep mid-show or mid-book. 

 

I guess we will re-evaluate when I get more sleep. Ha. That’s funny. I doubt I’ll be getting more sleep until my kids graduate college. So, this may be the solution. 

 

Do you like to sleep in quiet or do you have to have background noise?

Marriage Advice

This year, I sat around the Christmas tree with my growing family and looked back on the last five years. Joel and I have had three children, moved hundreds of miles away from a place we once called home, got a new job, made new friends, had our ups and downs, and we’ve learned so much together. 

 

Relationships are hard work and completely worth it. Intercultural relationships brings about their own little challenges. Most of the time you have no idea what you’re doing.  I’ve learned so much and love being able to share two rich cultures with my children.

 

I love being able to share what I have learned in the last five years with all of you! I’ve received many emails asking for advice in different areas of intercultural relationships. The biggest piece of advice I’ve given is to give grace and keep an open mind. 

 

You and your partner have grown up in two different families. You may have grown up in similar families or completely different. Either way your families are still different and you both have different expectations on how things should go.

 

You need to have grace for yourself and your partner. Joel and I have learned so many things by completely messing it up. We’ve said the wrong things, hurt each others feelings, and done things wrong. Afterwards you have a choice on how to respond. We could have said hey you don’t deserve my forgiveness and you better figure out how to make this better. Instead we gave each other grace; forgave and loved each other regardless of what they deserved based on their actions.

 

There’s no rule book on how to have an intercultural relationship. Sometimes you have to figure it out as you go which means you won’t always make the right choices. 

 

You also need to keep an open mind. You both have family traditions that have value to you. They can be as simple as when to open Christmas presents, using canning jars as drinking glasses, or raising children. Regardless of the tradition, you need to be open to trying new things. That doesn’t mean letting go of your traditions, but it does mean remembering the value of your partners. Joel and I have both made silly comments about a tradition and hurt feelings. 

 

When Joel and I got married we decided to start our own family. This means blending cultures, traditions, and our lives. The only way for this to happen is to give each other a lot of grace and to keep an open mind. 

What is your biggest piece of marriage advice?

Blending families should be easy... right?

I’ve always been taught getting married means you leave your family and start your own. You and your husband start a new life. You get your own place, make it your own, start your own traditions, and get to know the person you will spend the rest of your life with. The concept of this is much simpler than it really is.You get married, start your own family, and have to figure out how your new family blends back into both of your individual families.I grew up in a pretty normal white family, by western standards.  My mom was a single mom for the first part of my life, got remarried, I was adopted by my dad, and met my biological father a few years ago. I can call that normal, right? Hey, I did say by western standards… Needless to say, Joel wasn’t walking into a simple family. There was tons of baggage and a long, confusing line of family history.Joel’s parents had an arranged marriage and moved to the United States immediately afterwards. His mom was finishing up school and Joel’s grandparents offered to have him live with them in India for two years until she was done. He moved back from Hyderabad and grew up with his parents in Chicago.We didn’t grow up entirely different. We both had ice cream cakes for every birthday, parents who loved us, we were the oldest siblings, and grew up in Christian families.We got married and started our lives in California. My parents and some of my brothers lived there. Joel learned the ins and outs of a white family and my family learned a bit about East Indian culture. It wasn’t always easy. We had to come into these new situations with an open mind, humble and forgiving, tons of communication, and remember that we love each other and the end of the day.We’ve never lived right next to all of Joel’s family. We were able to live in the same city as Joel’s younger brother for the last few years. We also try to visit one to two times a year. In being so far away, we’ve been slowly learning what it means to blend our little family with Joel’s. I think we’ve encountered most of it after we had kids.Even though the situations we’re confronted with are different in my family and Joel’s, the responses have to be the same. We pick and choose what we want to confront and what we should submit to. We’ve both had times we’ve had to sit down with our in-laws, apologize, and have long talks with each other.We’ve had times we treated our in-laws in a way we found respectful and later find out it’s taken in a completely different manner. It would be easy to brush it off and refuse to accept any responsibility. However, the tough reality is this is someone you will now have in your life forever. If you brush it off, welcome to a life of awkward family get-togethers you dread. Sorry, I’ve never wanted that. I love my in-laws and so does Joel. We work hard on our relationships. This means you have to look at what is respectful and expected in their culture.You’ll never get it all right. New situations are constantly arising and you learn how to deal with them as they happen. Have grace for each other and know that all the hard work you put into your relationships with your new family pays off. Blending families is one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve messed it up in so many ways. I’ve picked the wrong battles and made a fool of myself. The funny thing is it’s all been so worth it. I am now getting close to Joel’s family, which I consider my own. I now have another set of parents, a sister, a brother, aunts and uncles, and more cousins than I can count.Email me and share your experiences with this!  

How do you make an intercultural relationship work...

I’ve been getting emails from some of you lately on your struggles with the cultural differences in an intercultural relationship. Let’s be honest with each other. When you get into a relationship with anyone, expect cultural differences and all of the struggles that follow. Either way, you and your partner grew up in different families and different ways. Two different cultures if you may.It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in, you will always deal with compromise and communication. If you want a perfectly easy relationship, stick to fiction. If you want a real relationship with anyone, remember there will be struggles, compromise, you will often not know what to do or who is right, you will challenge each other, grow together, and your relationship will reap all the blessings of your hard work.I love my husband more today than I did when we got married. Why you ask? I love him more now because we have worked hard for our relationship and always strive to make our marriage stronger. If you have ever been around us, you know that we fight, bicker, I’m always trying to convince him I’m right about everything, he thinks laughing while we fight is necessary, and we usually have no idea what we’re doing.We often come up to a crossroads in our marriage. Do we do what Indian culture says to do or do we do what Western culture says to do? There is no perfect answer to this question. It changes with every situation. I walked into my marriage with Joel knowing he’s Indian and I’m a whitey. We have to respect each other’s cultures, which means a lot of compromise. There are times when we do what Indian culture says to do and there are times when we do what Western culture says to do. We decide what works best for our little family.Give yourself a break. There is no perfect relationship. Try your best to listen to your partner, compromise, lovingly encourage one another when you don’t know what to do, be willing to hear their side, and remember just because you grew up doing it one way doesn’t mean it’s the only way.Love your partner for who they are, be proud of your marriage and all of it’s little imperfections, and know it’s all worth it.